Steve Warz: Trilogy 7
by The Compendium of Steve
Summary: After years of peace, great changes are afoot in our zany offshoot galaxy. The nerds, once a grave threat to the Republic, now wish to become legitimate citizens. However, someone wants none of that, and wishes to embroil the galaxy into even more ludicrous calamity. Can Rock n' Roll save the day? It's time to shred, baby! (Transcribed by the formerly delayed overmind2000)
1. Episode 1

**Steve Warz**

 **Episode [Gibson Flying V Bass]:**

 **Opening Act**

 **aka**

 **Foreplay/Long Time**

 _Three years had passed since the end of the Contractor's campaign to conquer the galaxy. All was well and the Republic was running smoothly. The Jedi still kept the peace, this time against nerd enclaves which had been popping up every once in a while. There was resistance, but nothing the Jedi nor the Republic forces couldn't handle. And for a time, things went as such._

 _But then, something happened._

 _The nerds began retaliating against the abuse they were facing: not through violence, but through demonstrations of..._ _protesting_ _?_ _WTF!? Once fierce warriors, the nerds had inexplicably taken on the roles of hippie peaceniks, making drum circles and non-violent protest marches wherever they could gather. Though local Republic authorities kept breaking up these groups, more and more nerds entered the galaxy and the public spotlight with a growing voice demanding rights, protection and fair treatment. A key component in this growth was the nerd's speaker/leader, Billy Mitchell: tobasco sauce mogul and world champion of Pac-Man. His fiery words and strong beliefs of equality rallied the once scattered cause into the reckoning force it's becoming. Every one of his speeches brought a full house of attendance with each event getting larger and bolder. In fact, the nerds had been drawing closer to doing something real big: an act to rattle the galaxy. Let's have a looksie…_

* * *

(Show a large, snow globe-like space station hanging over Endor surrounded by small ships. Inside, there are great bleachers and platforms packed with tons of chatty, yelling nerds. Many of them are dressed in costume, making them all the more motley beneath the see-through glass dome. Presiding over this sweaty congregation is Billy Mitchell, onstage and behind a gray lectern)

Billy: My brothers! For too long our kind has been oppressed by a galaxy who find us to be sub-human and even dangerous! (Roaring rapport) Those beliefs are ill just, my friends. Just because the nerds before us were of a vicious breed doesn't mean that all nerds, geeks, dorks and fan boys are the same! (Another hearty response) We're human, just like everybody else! We make mistakes, we feel pain, and we know when we've been done wrong! So wouldn't it make just as much sense that we also get the same rights, fair treatment and respect that every native citizen has? What do you say? (Mass agreement) Well I certainly think we do! I think we've done enough to earn our freedoms from prejudice! I say that the hate should end and that the galaxy should open its arms and let us in with peace and love, just as any multi-colored humanoid would condone! (More yells) We have tried to protest and present our ideals in a civil manner, but I believe now it's time to take real action! We should take it to the streets! We must take it to their very doorsteps! We must take it to all seats of power! We have to make all these people hear our message and see that we are not a force to be easily quelled! We have the numbers, but do we have the initiative to assert ourselves? I ask you now, brothers: will you join me in the great crusade to snatch back our dignity and man and womanhoods as nerds? (The place goes crazy with approving yells and "aiees.") Then it is settled! Our final bid for freedom shall begin, Immediately! Hit it, Charles!

(A nearby drummer dressed as R2-D2 starts playing a steady beat)

Billy: _We're not goonna take it!_

 _No! We're not gonna take it!  
We're not goonna take it, anymooooore!_

(The place goes crazy with yells as the nerds rush out to spread their message to a rocking guitar)

Billy: _We've got the right to choose it!_ (Spreading pamphlets) _  
There ain't no way we'll lose it!  
This is our life;  
This is our soooooong! _(Guitar)

 _We'll fight the powers that be just!  
Don't pick our destiny cuz…  
You don't know us,  
You don't belooooong! _(Guitar)

Nerds: _We're not gonna take it!  
No! We're got gonna take it!  
We're not goona take it, anymooore!_

Billy: _Oh you're so condescending!_ (To Republic)  
 _Your goal is never-ending!  
We don't want nothin' not a thing from youuuu!_ (Guitar)

 _Your life is trite and jaded;_ (Riot squad attack)  
 _Boring and confiscated!  
If that's your best;_

 _Your best won't dooooo!_

(A bunch of Trekkies in red shirts appear)

Red Shirt Chorus: _Whoooooa ohhhh oh.  
Whooooa ohhhh oh._

Billy: _We're right!_

Nerds: _Yeah!_

Billy: _We're free!_

Nerds: _Yeah!_

Billy: _We'll fight!_

Nerds: _Yeah!_

Billy: _You'll seeeeeeee!_ (Great cheers) _Whoa whoa—_

Nerds: _We're not goonna take it!  
No! We're not gonna take it!  
We're not goonna take it, anymooooore!_

 _We're not goonna take it!  
No! We're not gonna take it!  
We're not gonna take it, anymooooore!_

Billy: _No way!_

(A 40-year old balding fat virgin dressed like Sailor Moon shreds out a long, awesome guitar solo that plays out the last section. Then)

Red Shirt Chorus: _Wooooah ohhhh oh.  
Wooooah ohhhh oh._

Billy: _We're right!_

Nerds: _Yeah!_

Billy: _We're free!_

Nerds: _Yeah!_

Billy: _We'll fight!_

Nerds: _Yeah!_

Billy: _You'll seeeeeeeeee!_

(Turn to Coruscant where the buildings and walkways are covered in nerds. Only the drum is heard with the voices)

Nerds: _We're not goonna take it.  
No! We're not goonna take it.  
We're not goonna take it, anymoooore._

(Guitar flares up again as the nerds continue singing. We see Billy walk up the steps leading to the Jedi Temple flanked by his followers. At the top of the steps are the Jedi in a line holding fast. When Billy reaches them all becomes sudden, anxious silence. The two sides stare each other down)

Billy: So… Will you take us seriously?

(More quiet)

Jo: Hmmmmm... Okay, you got our attention. Step inside and we'll talk turkey.

(Thunderous cheers from the whole cityscape ring out as the two shake hands before stepping into the temple)

* * *

 _Thus, all of nerd-dom was acknowledged by the Republic as a relevant social and political entity. One-and-a-half years followed that momentous day, and all that time has been spent moving nerds to camps on planets that they prefer. True to their word, each individual nerd group held their own government that maintained their ranks and swore allegiance to the Republic. However, there were nerds who still sought the old ways and rebelled against their councils. These misfits detached from their enclaves, formed military bands, and set about harassing parts of the galaxy in search of frivilous conquest. Such actions only worsened the presence of discrimination that was apparent among galactic civilians since the nerds' admittance._

 _So in response to this unrest, the Republic have sent the Jedi out to once again maintain peace and stop these rogue militias. Fortunately, they themselves have become stronger with the induction of the three Jaa-Ruuk children, who have grown exponentially over the years and have reached the mental maturity of someone nearing the age of 20. Along with the appropriate training from their parents, the three are more than well-qualified enough to become esteemed Padawans. But can they hold their own in the face of battle? Only time will tell..._

* * *

(Show an orange and black, thunderous and clouded sky. Stepping into view as a domineering figure is some fat guy dressed like Gandalf, including pointy hat, staff and fake shaggy beard. Sadly, his voice is awfully high pitched for the role)

Gandalf Guy: My brethren, too long we have been deceived! The ones who call themselves our "leaders" have aligned with the treacherous Republic, which seeks to destroy us. Their politics have weakened our spirits in the hopes of wiping us out through complacency! The only path for salvation is to strike down this vicious "democracy" as our forefathers have tried before! Once we have sent the scum into their tainted holes, then we shall uproot the ones who have betrayed us. Only then will we truly rule the galaxy that is before us. Now onwards my brothers: to the glory of Battle!

(Pull back to reveal an immense dirt field covered entirely in orc-wannabes and oliphants. The view pulls even further to show how outrageously wide the field is is. Soon the camera stops on a hill where the Jedi watch the approaching army. They're standing calm and seemingly bored)

Squishy: How much do you think are in this one?

Cope: 3000, give or take.

Anna: Pah! Nothing like the last one.

Will: Still a formidable number.

Jo: Standard fair all the same, Will. We go straight up the middle and take down the leader. The rest should scatter without trouble.

Sara: So force our way through?

Sylvia: Seems that way. You nervous?

Sara: Nah. Just making sure.

Jo: Right. Then we're set. (They draw their sabers) When in doubt, go for the groin.

(They rush headlong into the mass. They plow through the first 50 feet without trouble but stop when the enemy converges on them. They duck, dodge and slash their way through the sweaty nerds. They kick and punch and Anna even throws in some Force Shock to mix it up. As they near the other end of the field the leader takes notice)

Gandalf Guy: Converge my brothers! Don't let the desecrators reach the command hill!

(The area before him thickens. The Jedi take out more troops, with Copeland downing an oliphant through sheer jaw-dropping acrobatics)

Squishy: That only counts as one! (Copeland takes out three more in quick succession) Oh, well, nevermind.

(Still, the number of remaining opponents is considerable)

Loudspeaker: Hang tight, guys! Reinforcement's on the way!

(Roaring over the battle field comes the Century Sparrow II. It hangs over the enemy army before releasing a payload of concussion grenades, clearing circular spot. Dropping out of the ship come two Ssi-Ruuk variants. One of them, the petite Sally, lands gracefully while her scrawny brother Stan hits the ground on his scaly rump. Once he's up, the two whip out sabers and go at the enemy. The Jedi join them)

Sylvia: Sally! Where's Richter?

Sally: I don't know. He wasn't on the ship when we left.

Squishy: You feeling all right, Stan? That must've hurt.

Stan: I-It's fine, Dad. I was just a bit off-balanced up there.

Jo: Come on, guys! We've got to keep moving!

(They push on. Soon they break out of the melee and land before the leader, who has raised his staff high over his head)

Gandalf Guy: You, Shall, Not, PASS!

(Quick slashes appear and the staff shatters, making him cry in fright)

?: I wouldn't be doing that if I were you.

(He turns around. Standing tall and solemn is a robed reptile holding a lightsaber, accompanied by the Turks theme from FFVII. The only thing visible within the person's hood are two grave yellow eyes)

Rick: That is, if want to keep all your limbs intact.

Sally: Ricky!

Gandalf Guy: Crossbreed! How dare you dirty the air I breathe with your very presence!

Rick: Look man, it would be wise if you kept the matters of my heritage out of this. So why don't you just give up and come with us quietly? I don't think any of your "troops" would object.

(Show the field which is now bereft of troops; there's only cricket sounds)

Gandalf Guy: Never! I refuse to be detained by freaks like you!

Rick: Alright, if that's your attitude. I'll just have to incapacitate you and make you come along.

Gandalf Guy: Ha! Just try to knock me out. But first, you'll have to catch me! (Runs off) So long, suckas!

(In a flash, Rick rushes him and cuts out his legs. The poor sap hits the ground, losing his hat and fake beard)

Gandalf Guy: AAAAAHH! My legs! You cut off my freakin' legs! AGONY! Where are my Elixirs? My precious hash pipe? Daddy needs his healing toke REAL BAD!

(He continues screaming as Rick sheathes his saber hilt and the other Jedi come over)

Stan: Holy crap, Rick. That's brutal.

Anna: Why did you go and do that, Rick?!

Rick: He was annoying me, plus he tried to make a run for it.

Sara: You could have Force Stunned him.

Rick: Hadn't had time to think of that option.

(Squishy approaches him, ignoring the screaming man nearby)

Squishy: Richter, it's important to remember restraint. You should only attack if you're being attacked yourself. This man was unarmed and completely helpless. It's great that you didn't kill him, but next time try not to be so impulsive with your actions.

Rick: Sorry, father. I'll be sure to remember that the next time.

Cope: I'm afraid there won't be a next time, Rick. You maimed just about every other leader we've gone after.

Rick: Yes, well, most of them shot first.

Jo: In any case, guys, we've done our job here. Another militant batch of nerds disbanded, with their leader in custody. It's time we reported back to Ackbar.

Rick: Superb. I'll go get uncle Steezy to pick us up. (Walks off)

Sally: Wait, Rick! Why don't I come along? You know, to talk and stuff.

Rick: No thanks, sis. I feel like walking alone for now. Besides, you should watch "Mr. Gray" over there. See ya. (Walks off again)

Sally: But Rick… (Dejected)

Sara: He's been quite the loner lately.

Will: Yeah. Kinda like how I was before I met you, Sara.

Gandalf Guy: Such pain! Oh Lord Bombadil, what have I ever done to deserve this?!

(Some time later. In orbit around Kessel is Home One and some other ships. In the command quarters, the main Jedi are holding a meeting with Ackbar and Chris)

Ackbar: So what's your progress, Jedi?

Jo: The Middle-Earth Rollers are no more. All members have been dispersed and their leader is in captivity.

Ackbar: Good. Excellent work.

Chris: But not good enough, fellas.

Sylvia: Huh? How come?

Ackbar: While you were clearing up Kessel, several more rebel groups began cropping up around the Outer Rim. Intelligence shows that they are being directed from hidden sources.

Chris: Seems your son's rep for chopping up nerds is giving these new leaders cause to keep their heads down. No one's hankering to lead the charge like before.

Ackbar: Meaning it's going to be more bothersome to stop these groups. (Groans and sighs) Still, you did a job well done. Go and rest up until your next assignment. It ought to be a while before I get the specifics, so enjoy the break.

Jo: Yes, Admiral. We'll be sure to do that.

Ackbar: Good. Now go, and may the Force be with you.

(The Jedi leave the quarters and walk down the hall)

Anna: Ah man, I thought we were done with these guys already!

Will: No matter how many nerds we bash, more just pop up. Almost like zits following a Pizza Hut-fueled night of Warcraft.

Sara: Gross, Will. (Will just shrugs)

Squishy: Plus with all these random attacks, business on Jawa Home has been slow. It's a regular ghost ship these days.

Cope: There's no use complaining. We're Jedi, and it's our job to fight these people.

Jo: He's right. So long as these guys are bothering the Republic, we have to deal with them.

?: We? Don't you mean "they" should handle them?

(The group stops. Leaning against a wall with arms crossed is Rick with his head bowed. Next to him is a large window showing the orange planet)

Sara: Rick?

Jo: What do you mean?

Rick: It should be obvious, Master Joseph. These militia groups aren't our problem.

Cope: What're you talking about? Of course they're our problem!

Rick: Nooo, think about it. When did these groups start attacking us? When we let the nerds take up house. So wouldn't it make sense for the nerds to deal with their bad eggs themselves?

Sara: But they can't, Rick. These groups are out of the nerd councils' jurisdiction.

Rick: That's a massive load of malarkey. These enemies are nerds; it should be the nerds that should handle it. Leave us native-borns out of it.

Sylvia: Why are you talking like this, Richter?

Jo: Yeah, what're you getting at?

Rick: It's real simple. I'm saying that we shouldn't have let those geek bags into the Republic in the first place. They've caused everyone trouble back then, so denying them residence would have saved us the trouble they're making now.

Sylvia: Richter, you can't go grouping those rebels with those who want to make peace so readily.

Squishy: Your mother's right, son. I thought we taught you better about racial tolerance. You have no right to assume all nerds are troublemakers!

Rick: (Standing straight) Oh I have every right to think like that! I was raised in this galaxy, and I have a duty to protect it. And I say these nerds need to leave or else we'll be up to our necks in sweaty Chobits fans!

Jo: Such talk is ill befitting a Padawan, Rick. Stop it at once!

Rick: No, darn it! I won't stop voicing my belief until you all admit that it's true! Father, you told me that nerds and fanboys tried to destroy this galaxy. Was that just myth or an outright lie?

Squishy: Well, no, but still _—_

Rick: Then we shouldn't tolerate these bags of garbage! Letting them in just shows that the Republic is quick to forget past wrongs with the right political persuasion! What good is accepting an enemy if they're going to attack us again, only from within? These freaks only got in because our politicians are spineless slobs!

Cope: You've said enough! Quiet down and take a _—_

Rick: I'll Never Quiet Down! (Slams fist into wall) Even you, the "great" Jedi Masters, fail to see how stupid and pointless this alliance is! Open your eyes and get rid of these pests!

Squishy: That's enough, Richter! This isn't proper behavior!

Rick: I don't care, dad! But since you agree with every other numbskull here I'll just go to my quarters and fume a bit. Don't any of you come bother me, or else! (Stomps off)

Will: Did he seriously just threaten us?

Anna: That's some major teenage angst brewing there. I believe you had a whole lot of it spilling over in your younger days, Alex.

Cope: Yes, regrettably. Still, I'm not so keen on that kind of backtalk within our ranks.

Will: Maybe if he took off his hood every once and a while he'd chill out a bit. Kinda hard to be positive when you have your face covered all the time.

Jo: You know what, I've never seen what's under that hood of his.

Sylvia: He's very touchy about his looks. Not that there's anything wrong with his appearance, it's just... well, my kind at that age can be especially confrontational.

Sara: Looks that way.

Squishy: (Sigh) I'm afraid it might not just be growing pains. It seems my fears are beginning to be realized.

Cope: Fears? What fears?

Squishy: A reason for Rick to hold a grudge against the nerds. One I wished had never happened.

Sylvia: What reason? What happened, Squishy?

Squishy: I'm not sure if it really did happen, but now it's becoming more likely. It was about a year ago, back during the Nerd Settlement Initiative. I took Rick with me to Dagobah when I was helping the effort there.

Sylvia: (Shocked) You took Richter out to Dagobah without telling me?

Will: Oh man, you dun goofed.

Anna: Squishy, dude, you always tell your woman where you're going. Just ask Alex.

Cope: (Regretful) Yes, trying to keep secrets will only end badly for you. _Real_ badly.

Squishy: I didn't think it was necessary; plus I thought it would be good for him to be surrounded by so much life force. Unfortunately, at some point we got seperated in the swamps. I spent an hour looking and calling for him, unable to pick out his presence. Eventually he came out of the brush, looking perfectly fine. After I got him back to camp, I went back to where I found him, curious as to what he might have gotten into. When I searched around, I found a clearing where this nerd was lying on the ground: all cut up and dead.

Sara: Oh my god...

Squishy: I had always assumed it was some predator that got the nerd. But now, seeing the way Rick's behaving, I'm beginning to wonder...

Sylvia: Don't you dare wonder something like that! There's no way my little Richter could do something so horrible!

Jo: You're jumping to conclusions a bit quickly there, Squishy. There could be other reasons why Rick is so miffed. He's probably just tired from all the fighting, like the rest of us.

Will: Yeah. All this galaxy-trotting has got us all worn out. He just needs rest, that's all.

Sara: We all do.

Squishy: Yeah, you might be right, Jo. I was just shocked by his behavior, is all.

Anna: We all were, Squishter.

Will: Welp. Guess we'll be seeing ya's.

Cope: Yeah. I'll be in the rec room for a bit.

Sylvia: We'll be in our rooms. Later.

Jo: Later.

(They say their goodbyes and seperate. We then turn to the cabin occupied by the Jaa-Ruuk siblings Stan and Sally. Sal is listening and humming along to some headphones while her more timid brother just reads a book. At that moment the door slides open and Rick broods his way past them. Sally pulls off her headphones upon seeing him)

Sally: Hey Rick! How's it going?

Rick: Don't wanna talk.

(He goes into his private room and seals the door. Sal sighs dejectedly at that, which catches Stan's attention)

Sally: Why has he been avoiding us lately? Did you mess with something of his?

Stan: N-no, sis, I haven't. You know how he likes to be more serious about things, especially after we became Jedi. He's probably just going for that stoic "don't-mess-with-me" image.

Sally: But we always talk about things when there's nothing else going on, and he hasn't wanted to hang out for over a week. I'm starting to get worried. You know what I mean, Stan?

Stan: Yeah, yeah I do. (Puts down book) Still probably not a good idea to barge in on him right now. He'll likely talk to you if he's too bothered by something. I mean, it's mostly with you he likes to talk with these days. Between him and me, we hardly say or do anything. Not even guy stuff.

Sally: That's because you need to stop being so quiet and sensitive. We got sharp teeth and claws, but you sometimes act like we're still dad's size. You need to toughen up, bro.

Stan: Well, uh, that's just, not me. You know?

(Sally only harrumphs teasingly, and right then the PA system dings in)

PA: Attention ship crew and passengers. We will now be heading to Tatooine for resupply. All crew prepare for hyperspace, and remember to be well.

(Ship makes the leap. Traversing the streaks of passing star systems, there is a voice)

* * *

 _No better opportunity than this..._

 _I've waited around long enough; it's time to take action._

* * *

(An indeterminate amount of time later, we turn to a huge rock formation amidst plateaus and sand on a clear, sunny day. The formation has a hole for an entrance, and inside, gathered around a fire, are several nerd dignitaries in a spacious, earthy chamber. At the head of the group is Billy Mitchell)

Billy: The Second Annual Nerd Summit shall come to order. Like last year, we'll be discussing each region's current status, immediate concerns and a round of possible solutions for these problems from each member. But first, the opening prayer.

(A Spock dude stands up)

Spock Dude: Let it always be known that all ye faithful will be beamed up to the heavens, and that the undying Kirk blesses all gatherings of peace. The Enterprise be with us.

(Everyone makes the Live Long And Prosper sign while saying "Nanoo-Nanoo" solemnly)

Billy: Thank you, Mick. Attendance Czar?

(A hobbit guy stands)

Hobbit: All colonies are present and accounted for, with the exception of the Dathomir head. He's being held up by the local population.

Twi'lek Guy: Heh. Trust ol' Bob to be flirtin' with those witches, not to mention that rancor fetish o' his.

Billy: Yes, quite. Now back to business... What is the first order of business?

(Loin cloth man stands)

Endor Rep: We of the Endor settlement wish to expand. The local furries are tired of the Ewoks and are pestering me to add some variety. So if not an expansion, then at least a transferal.

Billy: You'll have to talk with the Kashyyyk head before such things can be done.

Kashyyk Rep: (In Wookiee) Never! I refuse to have you yiff freaks defile our noble Wookiee hosts' homes!

Endor: Hey! Not all of us like that stuff! We'd much prefer hentai thank you very much!

Billy: Hey now, calm down, fellas. You can settle this after the meeting. Any other topics for discussion?

(Turn to some 400 pound blob of a man who looks like a Hutt, making gasps and grunts and belches that kinda sounds like Huttese)

Hutt Guy: (In Huttese) I believe the more pressing concern to us is the Jedi. Lately they have been hassling our settlements in search of "rogue" nerds. Just two weeks ago we lost a sand crawler to them, saying it was a housing base for rogue Jawa-ites. A load of hogwash I say.

Bothan Guy: The fat inept is right! Those Jedi are becoming a nuisance to our clan stability!

Aqualish Guy: The furry's right! Most of my group fear the Jedi and are threatening to rebel themselves!

(A Tuskan Raider guy starts making indistinct roarings and gruntings)

Moff Tarkin Guy: I'll have to disagree with the butt chin and the retard. The Jedi's methods tend to be rash, but they're necessary in maintaining peace within our own ranks as well as the Republic's.

Klingon Guy: Nonsense! They're going too far!

Tifa Man: They're endangering our livelihoods, guv-ner!

Billy: Well, gentlemen, if we do stop the Jedi from performing their duties, how else are we going to stop the rebel attacks?

HK-47 Guy: Suggestion: maybe the Jedi can exercise more non-lethal, non-violent alternatives.

Inuyasha Guy: Yeah! Those guys have the Force; they should just Force Stun the fools!

Tidus Guy: But they're our kin! We can't subjugate them for being different.

Hagrid Guy: You always were a candy-a**, Nick!

Tidus Guy: I am not! Just sensitive!

Billy: (Great sigh) Chief Advisor, what do you think?

(Show guy dressed as a Paladin on the floor with D&D dice)

Advisor: Magic missile's been deflected, d**n it!

Billy: Look people! We can't go arguing with each other over every little thing. We fought hard to gain what we have, and I don't want to see it lost to petty squabble. (Everyone looks ashamed) Now until we calm down and work together, I can't see any other way to fix our problems.

?: I have a suggestion: How bout you and your grease bags load up and get the h**l out of this galaxy.

(They all look toward the entrance. Standing there and silhouetted against blinding white light is a tall, cloaked figure)

Klingon Guy: An interloper!

Advisor: Stand back, sir! I'll handle this fiend! (Thorws out dice) NOO! I poisoned myself! (Falls to ground) Get out while you still can!

Billy: Chill, Mike. (To person) Friend, you obviously have some problem greatly troubling you.

Man: Yeah, I got a problem alright: It's called a bunch of geeks who decided to come in, stink up my galaxy, and bite the hand that tries to clean them. You're all just a bunch of filthy ingrates that serve no purpose here except to whine and moan and b**ch about nothing.

Billy: Now sir, you can't really mean all that.

Man: I sure as h**l mean all that! You come here seeking conquest twice, and now you expect mercy and acceptance? Though the government was foolish enough to comply, I still know better. Which is why every one of you scum should crawl back to whatever basement you hail from and leave our fresh air alone. Or else, things are gonna get nasty.

Endor Rep: Brigand!

Twi'lek Guy: Monster!

Tidus Guy: Meanie!

Billy: Settle down, guys. Okay mister, you have our attention. Why don't you step inside so we can discuss ways to meet your converns peacefully?

Man: Uh-huh. Discuss this!

(A clawed hand pulls out a blaster and shoots. Billy appears stunned, then looking down he sees a huge hole in his torso set to shocking sting music. He looks up)

Billy: My only regret... is that I never got to try... my own sauce. Guuuuhhh.

(Sinks to the floor to Pac-Man death music. After staring a bit, the delegates look up towards the figure)

Man: Well, gentlemen. (Brings up two blaster rifles) Meeting is now in session.

(Switch to Home One. In a dark room, Squishy and Sylvia are sleeping in bed, with Squishy snoring loudly. A nearby communicator starts blinking and beeping loudly)

Squishy: (Mumbling) Five more minutes, mom... (Snore)

Sylvia: (Shoves Squishy) Get the phone, dear.

(Squishy grumbles, gets out of bed and stumbles over to the device. He pushes a button and a voice comes through)

Voice: Squishy? Sylvia? Are you there? This is Chris. You're needed planetside ASAP!

Squishy: (Half-asleep) But I don't wanna work Mos Eisley. It smells...

Chris: It's important, Squishy. It's your son.

(Sylvia raises her head from her pillow at the sound of that, and Squishy awakens more as well. Some time later, we turn to the rock formation from before, only now it's close to dusk and the outer perimeter of it is surrounded by a large police blockade. Various hovercraft make up this blockade as a huge crowd of spectators is held back by several officers. The Jedi arrive on the scene and head over to where Chris is overseeing things)

Chris: Jedi. About time you showed up.

Squishy: What's going on, Chris?

Chris: It's pretty bad. This could set back nerd relations for years. And right as I was about to start my own bingo league.

Sylvia: What about our son? Which one? (Steezy, Sally and Stan arrive) Oh no...

Chris: Guess that answers your question.

Steezy: What's up, guys?

Sally: Is something wrong, Chris?

Chris: You bet your scales something's wrong. It seems your brother Rick has gone feral.

Stan: Rick!?

Jo: Now wait a second, that can't be it.

Squishy: Yeah. What do you really know about all this?

Chris: I think this is best explained by a professional. Chief!

(An official trots over)

P. Chief: Sir?

Chris: Inform the Jedi of the current situation, Chief.

P. Chief: Yes sir. (To Jedi) About an hour ago, shooting was heard inside the formation. When we responded to witness calls we heard the firings still going on and found a nerd dressed as R2-D2 fleeing the site. After being slapped out of droid speak he said that the annual nerd summit was taking place inside, and that the shooting occurred when something he calls the "reptile demon" came in, killed the overseer, and then started blasting everything that moved. We believe that Billy Mitchell was the overseer and that it was your son Richter who started shooting, based on physical description.

Stan: No way...

Will: Mitchell is dead?

Anna: By Ricky?!

Sally: No... That can't be... It can't be true!

P. Chief: It's been quiet thirty minutes now. We're just waiting for the perp to come out.

Squishy: This, can't be right...

Chris: I'm afraid it's very likely, little man. The evidence is pointing very sternly at your son committing mass murder.

Steezy: I'm not down with your fingering, Officer!

P. Chief: Well it's still there nonetheless. Tell me, have any of you noticed anything odd about your son, maybe pertaining to nerds in general?

Sally: No. He's always been his usual self. More gruff and grumpy, but nothing else.

Cope: There's that instance back on Home One.

Jo: Oh right! We bumped into him after talking to Ackbar and he _—_

Officer: Chief! There's movement at the entrance!

(All attention turns toward the entrance. Stepping out from the hole's confines is Richter, walking solemn and calm like a man on death row. He stops midway between the barricade and the entrance. The barricade fills with the sounds of dozens of cops cocking their guns and aiming at Rick)

Speaker: Hold it right there, dirtbag! Make one more step and we pump ya full of plasma!

Squishy: Are you people crazy? That's my son you're talking to!

Jo: And a Jedi in training!

P. Chief: That _thing_ has just killed every nerd leader in the galaxy; he's committed severe political dissidence on top of a hefty murder charge!

Squishy: You're wrong! My son's innocent I say!

Rick: He's telling the truth, father. Don't hassle him.

Sylvia: Richter! What are you saying?

Rick: I'm sorry to have hurt you, mother, but it's painfully obvious what's going on. I have committed great wrongs and killed unarmed civilians. I am guilty...

P. Chief: HA! Straight from the lizard's mouth! And I say the sentence is immediate execution. Get ready to fire _—_!

Squishy: Hold on a sec! (Pushes down on cops' guns)

Stan: Yeah, it doesn't make sense why he's doing this.

Steezy: I agree; this whole thing's bogus.

Sylvia: Why did you kill all those people, Rick?

Rick: I, just can't say...

Officer: Bluff! He knows he's cornered!

Cope: Hush!

Rick: I don't recall why I did it... except that I did it.

Sally: That can't be it! Who really did this? Tell us, please!

Rick: I'm sorry, Sal, but I've said all there is to be said. So let me be taken away...

Steezy: Don't do this, Rick! Don't be a fool!

Stan: Don't take a fall like that, bro! Just say something!

P. Chief: I'm getting tired of this family crisis. Firing in _—_

Squishy: Chill, homies! (Pushes down guns again)

Rick: What I can say is that I now feel regret. I have killed without good reasoning and destroyed the best chance at stabilizing the nerds. Much suffering will follow thanks to my actions.

Sylvia: Richter...

Rick: I have brought shame to my family: to my parents, my siblings, and my caring uncle. I have betrayed the Jedi Order by using my powers for senseless slaughter. For these offenses, no punishment is too great. Although, when I'm gone, I ask that you all remember fondly of me from back before I became the monster standing before you now.

(All is silent. Plenty of people are blubbering and wiping their teary eyes)

Spectator: Well... He doesn't seem so bad, officers. We could at least give him a fair trial.

P. Cheif: Grrrrr. My trigger finger's gotten all itchy from this waiting.

Rick: I don't need a trial to convey my feelings. Rather, I've decided to express my woes, to all of you here today, through the majesty of song. Which is why I have spared Mitchell's personal entourage of backup singers. (Makes hand gesture. Stumbling out of the hole comes the three-man Red Shirt chorus) These three shall help me in conveying my tale of regret. All that I ask for a last request is that you all listen with an unbiased ear.

(All goes deathly quiet. Only the desert wind is heard. Then)

Chorus:  
 _Is this the reeeal life?  
Is this just fantasy?  
Caught in a land-slide,  
No escape from reality._

 _Open your eyeeeees,_ (Piano)  
 _Look up to the skies and seeeeeeeeee._

Rick:  
 _I'm just a poor boy.  
I need no sympathy,_

Chorus:  
 _Because I'm easy come,  
Easy go;  
Little high,  
Little low._

Rick:  
 _Any way the wind_ _—_

Chorus:  
 _Blows! Doesn't really matter to meeeeeeee._

Rick:  
 _Tooo meeee..._

(Cope begins playing piano for a bit, then)

Rick:  
 _Mamaaaaa... Just killed a man...  
Put a gun against his head:  
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead._

 _Mamaaaaa... Life had just begun...  
But now I've gone and thrown it Alll awaaaaay!_

 _MAMAAAAAAA!  
OoooooOooOOOOH.  
Didn't mean to make you cry!  
If I'm not back again  
This time, tomorrow!  
Carry on, carry on,  
As if nothing really matters..._

(Still more Cope piano)

Rick:  
 _Too late... My time has come...  
Sends shiver down my spine;  
Body's aching all the tiiiime._

 _Goodbye, everybody!  
I've got to gooo.  
To leave you all behind to _Faace _the truuuuuth!_ (Some guitar)

 _MAMAAAAAAA!  
OoooooOooOOOH!_

Chorus:  
 _Anyway the wind blows..._

Rick:  
 _I~ don't wanna diee!  
I sometimes wish I've  
Never been born  
At ALLLLL!_

(Squishy then wails out a solo on his personal guitar, playing hard yet soothingly for a bit. When he stops there is the tapping of a piano key)

Jo:  
 _I see a little silhuetto of a man._

Jedi:  
 _Scaramusch! Scaramusch!  
Will you do the fan-dan-go?_

Spectators:  
 _Thunderbolt and lightning!  
Very very fright-ning, ME!_

Sally:  
 _Galileo!_

Stan:  
 _Galileo!_

Sally:  
 _Galileo!_

Stan:  
 _Galileo!_

Both:  
 _Galileo Figaro!_

Steezy:  
Magnifi-COOOoooOOOoo!

Rick:  
 _I'm just a poor boy  
Nobody loves me._

Spectators:  
 _He's just a poor boy  
From a poor family!_  
 _Spare him his life  
From this mon-strosity!_

(Do-dee-do-dee-do)

Rick:  
 _Easy come; easy go.  
Will you let me go?_

Chris:  
 _Bismillah!_

Cops:  
 _NOO! We will not let you go!_

Spectators: _Let him GOOOOO!_

Chris:  
 _Bismillah!_

Cops:  
 _We will not let you go!_ (Cops close in)

Chirs: _Bismillah!_

Cops: _We will not let you go!_ (Close in)

Spectators:  
 _Let him go!_ (Rapid fire)

Cops:  
 _Will not let you go!_ (Closer)

Jedi:  
 _Let him go!_

Cops:  
 _Will not let you_ _—_ (Closer)

Rick:  
 _Well let me GooooOhh OHHH!_

Cops:  
 _No! No! No! No! NOO!_

Rick:  
 _Oh mama mia, mama mia!_

Everyone:  
 _Mama mia let me go!  
Be-EL-zebub, has the devil put aside  
For meeeeeee.  
For meeeeeeee.  
For MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_

(There is a spark, then Rick bursts through the cops and tears up the barricade with his lightsaber, accompanied by heavy guitar as he leaps and slashes and bludgeons wildly)

(More serious) Rick:  
 _So you think you can stone me  
And spit in my eyeee?!_ (Drum notes)

 _So you think you can love me  
and leave me to DIIiIIIE!?_

Squishy: But son _—_!

Rick: _Ohhhhhhhhhhhh,  
Baby!  
Can't do this to me  
Baby!_ (Cops dogpile him)

 _Just gotta get out!  
Just gotta get right out of  
Hereeeeeee!_

(He goes about his run of destruction as the rock keeps rolling. Soon he starts tearing up hovercars, at one point lining up and dashing through three of them in a row. A pause for some piano playing, then in a huge blast of fire and guitar the hovercars explode and launch Rick through the air, gloriously gliding amidst embers and debris while being heralded by the chorus. He lands a nearby plateau and turns around as the guitar peters out)

(Calmer) Rick:  
 _Nothing really matters.  
Anyone can seeee._ (Piano)  
 _Nothing really matters.  
Nothing really matters,  
To meeeeeeee..._

(He turns away and walks off, allowing his captive chorus to come forward to the somber sounds of piano and guitar)

Chorus:  
 _Anyway the wind blows..._

(A huge chunk of hovercar crushes the trio to the sound of a gong. At ground level, cops and flaming wreckage are scattered across the area. Everyone still standing are in shocked awe)

Sylvia: Squishy? Are you okay?

Squishy: (Crying) That's... My... BOY! Ha Ha Haaa! A real chip off the block! WOOO!

(Everyone hits the ground flat in disbelief. Later, medical personnel tend to the cops and place the spectators in recovery tents. The Jedi are in one, wrapped in blankets holding cups of cocoa. Chris, Steezy and the other kids are there as well)

Chris: Boy oh boy oh boyo boy. How to explain this to the higher ups... I'm not used to not being the cause of some public relations travesty.

Jo: Billy Mitchell and the nerd leaders dead. The media and the other nerds are gonna have our balls in a vice.

Will: But that's not the worst of it.

(The Jaa-Ruuk family gets solemn)

Sally: Rick... What happened to you?

Stan: I never would have dreamed of you having those kinds of problems.

Steezy: Didn't think he was _this_ deadset against the nerds. Figured it was just him going through a phase, but if those kinds of people had that sort of effect on Rick _—_

Jo: Hey now, don't go thinking Rick was right in what he said! Everybody has a right to be in this galaxy, and Billy proved that his people could fit in just fine... for the most part.

Anna: Still, without their leaders, the nerds are bound to get hostile all over again, just like the old days.

Cope: Aye. Tis no rest for the weary.

Squishy: (Looking real down) I still can't believe all that happened. A spectacle to the ears, for sure; I never knew Rick had such an amazing singing voice. But most of all, those things Rick did...

Sylvia: I still don't believe it either, honey. A mother should know these things about their children. It's probably my ancestral clan's violent disposition rearing its ugly head, or that... thing on Dagobah. Though, I can't help but wonder if maybe I did something _—_

 _Sally: Don't talk like that, mom! None of this is your fault._

 _Stan: You were great at raising us. Rick is just being, well, uhm…_

 _Sally: Overly dramatic, like he usually is._

 _Cope: Deathly so this time around, I should say._

Squishy: (Sigh) Time has gone by so fast. It was like yesterday I was teaching Rick the basics of life, back in more innocent days. I can still remember the day I taught him how to ride a bike...

(Flashback. Show a large, futuristic bike park with ramps and tracks. Standing by one bike is Squishy and a much smaller Richter)

Squishy: Okay, son. You ready for your big moment?

Rick: I don't know, dad. I'm still kind of scared.

Squishy: There's no need to be! A bicycle is a very safe mode of transport on any solid surface. The trick to using it is maintaining balance.

Rick: Balance?

Squishy: Yeah. Balance is what keeps you standing straight. When you get dizzy you wobble around the place, right? That's called being off-balance: when you can't keep yourself standing straight and your body wants to hit the ground.

Rick: Uh-huh. And how does that happen for a bike?

Squishy: Same principle applies, my son. While sitting on a bike you'll have to keep straight and center while at the same time pushing the pedals. That keeps the bike up and moving.

Rick: Sounds tough.

Squishy: It isn't really. Here, let me show you. (Starts putting Rick in position) You put your feet here, hands here, backside firmly on the seat, and voila!

(Stands back to show Rick in perfect bicycling form with fanfare)

Rick: So I just push the pedals... What if I fall?

Squishy: Don't worry, Richter. You already have a good sense of balance; you should know when things will get uneven. And if in doubt, remember the Force can help balance you out. You remember your basic Force training, don't you?

Rick: Ummm, I think so _—_

Squishy: Good, now off you go!

(Pushes Rick and bike down a ramp)

Rick: YAAAAA!

Squishy: Remember: Let the Force guide you! I'll be over at the snack shop when you're done!

(Walks off. Rick is yelling as he speeds uncontrollably through the park. He goes up and down ramps, through half-pipes, down a track of swinging blades, and even out runs a huge boulder. Soon he gets used to the bike and makes a huge jump over a chasm where he performs a Superman followed by fireworks. He lands and skids to a stop parallel to the table Squishy is sitting at)

Squishy: Ah, you're back. How was it?

Rick: It was great! It was so cool how I went through the park and up ramps and chased by a rock and golly gee it was cool!

Squishy: That's good to hear, Richter! I knew you'd pull through!

Rick: I know, and I know something else: I love bicycles. I'm going to keep riding bikes forever ever and ever and ever and EVER!

Chorus:  
 _Bi-Cycle! Bi-Cycle! Bi-Cycle!_

(Adult voice) Rick:  
 _I want to ride my_ _—_

Chorus:  
 _Bi-Cycle! Bi-Cycle! Bi-Cycle!_

Rick:  
I _want to ride my Bi-Cy-Cle!  
I want to ride my bike.  
I want to ride my Bi-Cy-Cle!  
I want to ride it where—_

Sylvia: Um, Squishy?

Squishy: Huh?

(Cut back to the present, where Squishy has been abruptly snapped from his reverie)

Sylvia: Rick didn't do any singing that day. You said he spent another hour riding around the park and had lunch before coming back.

Squishy: Uh, yeah, that's right. It's just, after hearing him sing today like that. And I also really like that song...

Stan: Soooo, were the amazing bike stunts made up, too?

Squishy: Oh no; he was an absolute natural.

Sally: Wicked!

(Beeping comes from Chris)

Chris: It's the Admiral. I think you should all hear him this time. (Pushes a belt button) Yes Admiral?

Ackbar: Chris, are the Jedi with you?

Jo: We're here, Admiral.

Ackbar: Joseph? Good. Listen, I need all of you to report to Home One immediately for combat movement.

Will: Admiral, we just suffered serious shock down here. The nerds can wait.

Ackbar: I'm afraid it's not nerds, Will; it's something worse. Coruscant is under attack.

(Dun dun duun!)

Anna: Again?!

(Dun dun duh dun duh duh do be ee we DUUUUUUUN!)

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Episode 2 Prologue

**Prologue 3:  
Recollections**

(Quite some time ago, in a dense, dark swamp. A lone reptile child in Jawa garb wanders around lost)

Rick: Hellooo! Dad? Where are you?

(He continues to wander about, calling and going over logs. He walks through a clearing)

Rick: Where are you Dad? I can't find you! Da—! (He bumps into something and falls back) Huh?

(The thing before him is a huge fat guy with glasses dressed and painted up to look like Yoda. Very poorly, at that.)

Yoda Nerd: Hmmmmmm… Interesting specimen you are. Most unusual discovery I have made. Fine addition to my collection you will make. Huehuehuehue!

(He reaches out his grubby hands looking like a deranged pedophile. Rick cowers back against a log with no escape. He raises an arm against the man, trembling in fear)

Rick: Aaaah! Dad! HEEEELP!

(Darkness)


	3. Episode 2

**Steve Warz**

 **Episode [Epiphone G-1275 Doubleneck]:**

 **Interludes**

 **aka**

 **The Show Must Go On**

 _With the advent of nerd citizenship, everything seemed good in our beloved galaxy. However, rogue nerds still attacked, and the Jedi fought back. Our heroes were tired, but only one desired, to fish his home from this quagmire, with the most insidious method for hire: One the Sith would truly admire. The whole point of all this crappy rhyming: Richter Jaa-Ruuk has gone ROGUE! (Dun dun duuuun!)_

 _Yes! At first he was sick of the nerd presence within the galaxy, then he sought to end this "disease" by killing every nerd leader in one fell swoop, including the nerd head rep himself: Billy Mitchell. Not only that, but he also has the angelic vocals of Freddie Mercury to boot! Scandalous! Though the Jedi (most especially the Jaa-Ruuk family) are left stunned and awed by Rick's change in behavior, not to mention his killer prowess, they have no time to rest. Coruscant was under attack once again and the Jedi were thrust (yet again) into the fight to save the capital planet. We now join them as they head for the all-too-familiar battle front… of Destiny!_

* * *

(Coruscant space. Home One has re-entered real space and is approaching the planet. Onboard in the war room the Jedi, Chris and Ackbar are talking)

Will: Off to defend Coruscant once again, eh fellas?

Cope: Most unwillingly.

Jo: So what's the current situation, Admiral?

Ackbar: It began as a typical invasion force. Some ships managed to drop in, deposit troops and leave. No other enemy ships have appeared since then.

Cope: How did the ships break through the planetary shields?

Ackbar: That's something we'll investigate later. Right now we have this initial enemy wave to deal with.

(Pushes a button, bringing up a holo of Coruscant. A part of it is a blinking red circle)

Chris: A few hundred troops are holed up in a sizable part of the city, holding position and fighting our forces. Nothing all that threatening to say the least.

Ackbar: But that's not the only thing big that's going on.

Sylvia: It's not?

Chris: We've been getting reports of multiple armed robberies on the other side of the planet. Not about money, though, but specific items. Namely flood lights, loudspeakers, and dancing girls.

Anna: Huh? Run that by me again?

Ackbar: You heard it right, Anna. These three items are being stolen in mass quantity with little resistance from law enforcement, suggesting that the invaders may only be a distraction.

Jo: No way that can be right.

Ackbar: It may just be coincidence, but it should still be investigated.

Chris: Before that, we've got to start assigning tasks to you.

Ackbar: That's right. Because there is a battle going on, you all have duties to perform. So let's go down the list. William will be stationed close to the front lines to oversee combat operations, using his military knowledge to help direct counterstrikes.

Will: Sounds good to me.

Ackbar: Joseph will head for our temporary HQ to relay messages back to Home One about any changing developments.

Jo: (Whines) Desk duty? Ohhh fine...

Ackbar: Sara will aid the medical teams.

Sara: Why? Cuz I'm a girl?

Chris: Because you're the most qualified healer in your group, if your time in the great Salmonella Crisis at the governor's last banquet wasn't a clearer indication.

Jo: Oh god don't remind me.

Sara: I know, Chris, I'm only joking. I'll definitely pitch in to help.

Ackbar: Stanley, you and your uncle will provide air transport and supply runs.

Chris: As for Sally, she'll join the RSO (Republic Services Organization) show that's already in progress. Her exceptional dance and singing skills oughta raise morale tremendously.

Sally: Awww, you're just saying that.

Chris: Only because it's true, little missy. (Tip of the fedora) Right! You got your assignments, so move!

(The ones with assignments leave. Only Squishy, Sylvia, Cope and Anna are left)

Squishy: Uhh, sir, we didn't get assigned anything.

Ackbar: That's because I have a special assignment for you. You four will investigate these mass robberies that are happening on the other end of the planet.

Cope: What!? I'm stuck with Squishy?!

Anna: Hey, I'm here too ya know!

Ackbar: I believe you four should be sufficient in solving this mystery. Also, there is a thing called team cooperation, Mr. Copeland.

Cope: Grrrrr…

Chris: Moving on, you guys won't be able to go in guns a-blazin' as usual. We've decided on a stealthier approach.

Sylvia: How come?

Chris: Because we feel like it, now enough questions!

Ackbar: You'll be inserted atop a nerd shelter near the robbery sites. Because of recent events you won't be able to go inside conventionally without causing trouble, both for yourselves and for our fragile nerd relations. Therefore, you'll have two ways of leaving the roof. The easiest is to use a nearby lift, but it's been deactivated and can only be restarted on the ground floor. So your other option is to sneak into the ventilation system, bypass nerd patrols, and make it to the front doors unseen. Once you're out of the building, you're free to use whatever means necessary to find the perpetrators.

Anna: That was a lot of words. When do we start?

Chris: When you push this "A" button.

(Pulls out an "A" button, which Sylvia pushes. The screen shifts to the top of a tall building within a quiet section of Coruscant. Phasing into reality via Star Trek transporter atop the building are the four Jedi)

Cope: We had to make a reference at some point.

Squishy: Yeah, yeah. Now where's that vent?

(They look around the roof)

Sylvia: Found it!

(They gather around a spot on the ground where there's a large, grated vent)

Anna: Ooooh, we might have a problem. I don't think I'll be able to fit through that.

Sylvia: I don't think the designers had Ssi-Ruuk size in mind.

Cope: Well Squishy, get moving.

Squishy: Hey, I may be small, but I'm not slim. I'm only good for small, wide vents.

Sylvia: Sigh, we'll be needing the lift, then.

Cope: But we're still gonna need someone to get in there to activate it, mind you, and precisely where are we going to find someone skinny enough to fit that vent? (The others stare at him) Oh no…

(Some time later we see Sylvia and Anna trying to stuff Cope through the open vent. His lower body and kicking legs are the only things sticking out)

Cope: (Muffled) I'm telling you: I'm not doing this!

Anna: Too late to complain, now suck it in!

Cope: (Muffled) There has to be some other way than crushing my chest cavity!

Squishy: Sorry Alex, but there aren't any. Objective points are on your data pad so you shouldn't get lost. Just try not to be seen.

Cope: (Muffled) When I get back I'll squeeze out all that fat of yours with my bare hands!

(A butt bump from Sylvia pushes the rest of Cope down and yelling is heard)

Squishy: Oh! Take these goggles with you!

(Drops goggles into vent. Cope keeps bouncing around in the shafts until breaking through and crashing in a heap at the end of a dark hallway. At the other, more lit end, a nerd guard steps into sight)

N. Guard: What was that noise?

(Runs away. Back to Cope, he stands up, coughing and patting off dust when the goggles hit his head)

Cope: Ow! B***ard! (He picks up the goggles, looks them over and puts them on. He sighs) Well… Let's get this over with.

(Lowers goggles, which light up Splinter Cell-style. Then we have a montage of Cope playing Sam Fisher around the building to SpongeBob music. He rappels, breaks lights, sticks to walls, conks a guard out with a well-aimed break to the noggin, and dumps tons of bodies down a dark shaft. At one point he holds up a guard with his lightsaber)

Cope: Tell me how to get to the elevator!

N. Guard: Hey, aren't you a Jedi? Awesome! I'm being held up by a Jedi! Can I have an autograph?

Cope: I don't have time for this—

N. Guard: The guys will never believe me, but it's really happening, here and—

Cope: Listen! I'm going to kill you if you don't shut up—

N. Guard: Wow, killed by a Jedi. So cool…

(Gets knocked out with butt of saber. Eventually Cope reaches the ground floor and activates the lift. As he turns around, he yelps and jumps at seeing the other three Jedi behind him)

Cope: What're you doing here?!

Anna: There was a fire escape on the other end of the roof. Brought us straight down.

Cope: (Pause) A fire escape? (They nod. Another pause, then sighs) I really hate you guys…

(They step outside onto a walkway where Cope tosses his goggles to a random bum)

Squishy: Now that we're out, we can dump this stealth crap. Let's head out!

(They whip out their sabers and dash forward. To Mega Man X opening stage music, the four sidescroll along the walkway, slashing through war droids and jumping over random obstacles)

Sylvia: What's with the robots?

Cope: These are Sith War era droids. These people must be super cheap!

Anna: Push on already!

(They keep heading on. They run offscreen for a bit, then come running back as they're being chased by a huge bulldozer bot. A slash goes through the robot that makes it explode. Walking from the smoke and joining the Jedi is Jo)

Sylvia: Jo, what're you doing here?

Jo: I managed to get someone else to take my spot. And it seems you guys needed my help.

Cope: Psah!

Anna: Aren't you gonna get in trouble for this?

Jo: Pff! No way. I'll just say I'm providing assistance. Besides, there's no way I'm gonna be a desk jockey.

Squishy: Sure, that works for us. Come along then.

(They go on. Soon Cope's communicator goes off. It's Ackbar)

Ackbar: Our satellites show that one of the enemy transports is near your position. Proceed with caution.

Cope: Aye aye, sir!

(They move on. They soon reach a huge metallic wall blocking further progress)

Anna: Where'd this wall come from? Some kind of barricade?

(There's a humming noise, and off to the side of the walkway we see a transport fly off, followed by many others)

Squishy: Crap! We missed them!

Sylvia: That's a lot of transports. Just how much of what did they steal?

Jo: Come on, guys! We gotta catch those things! (Runs to the left of the screen but hits an invisible wall and falls back. He gets up and starts pounding on it) Hey! What's with this thing? Why can't we go back?

(A huge red "WARNING" appears on the screen followed by a siren)

Squishy: That's why: Boss encounter.

Anna: Oh you have to be kidding me.

(After the sign leaves the metal wall explodes, followed by a huge stream of fire shooting from it. After it stops, a lone guitar riff is made)

?: _I, Am, Iron Man._

(A red eye appears in the wall's hole as another riff is hit. More long, slow riffs play as heavy stomping is heard, then something steps into the open. When the guitar speeds up to a steady beat, we get a look at the large abomination: A giant turtle beast with fiery hair and a spiked shell, half covered in metal plates and with a red robot eye)

Squishy & Sylvia: Bowser!?

Cope: HWHAT?!

Bowser: Well, look who it is: The Midget-Lizard freak couple. Been a while now.

Jo: Bowser? Like, Super Mario Bowser? Hurrrrr!?

Anna: That's not Bowser: It's some robot thing!

Bowser: I am Bowser you broad! I only look like this because those two dropped me in lava! Of course, they couldn't have done it without their devil spawn beating me up in the first place!

Sylvia: It's your fault that you stole them!

Bowser: I was desperate for minions! Besides, with this redone body of mine, I don't need kids or fodder to kill you!

Cope: Hold on a sec… What's going on here? What is Bowser doing here, and how exactly did he fall into lava?

Squishy: Yeah, we never really gave you guys much detail about that…

Bowser: What you punks really should know is that I've been given a second chance and I'm not gonna waste it!

Sylvia: Yeah right! We'll just beat you a second time!

Squishy: That's right!

Bowser: Peh! I don't see your "kids" here to back you up this time around. Besides, I got the spirit of Black Sabbath beneath my hide, so you definitely have no chance!

Anna: Black Sabbath? What?!

Jo: Enough talk; fight already! This thing is crazy confusing enough as it is!

Bowser: Very well, Jedi. Kick it!

(So to Black Sabbath's "Symptom of the Universe" Bowser attacks the Jedi. He punches, fires missiles from his shell, shoots lasers, and of course, uses a flame attack. Our heroes prove too quick to evade and get chances to strike the tyrant lizard, but his metal coverings prove too durable for the lightsabers to cut through. Anna tries to shock him into submission, but the bulk of his fat self disperses the electricity and he bum rushes her for it. Luckily Sylvia bops his head, making him stumble and slam into a wall past Anna. Breaking himself free, he roars and stomps madly at the ground, causing it to shatter and forcing him and the others to fall into the lower city. Bowser leaps up and tries to ground pound a fallen Cope, who rolls out of the way just in time. Jo tries charging, but Bowser breathes fire to ward him back. Getting up, the koopa rips up a metal support beam and tosses it at the suave Jedi. The telekinetic prowess of Sylvia halts the projectile, which then swings back and crashes down on Bowser's head. The force of the impact makes the walkway buckle, and they go plummeting once more. When they land upon a walkway/bridge spanning a lower airway, the music stops)

Jo: Huh?

(The opening notes to the song "Smoke on the Water" plays out, then bolts of lightning strikes parts of the walkway)

Bowser: Well, time to go!

(He runs off and leaps off the platform)

Squishy: Bowser!

(More lightning hits the walkway, and a line of it leads up some stairs to a raised platform. The whole platform is coveredin a brilliant static field, and when it disperses we behold the brilliant pixelated form that is the minute Kefka!)

Kefka: Ta-DAAAA!

Cope & Anna: YOU!?

Jo: WTF**K!? What is this? What is THIS!? WHAT IS MY LIFE?!

Kefka: I am no mirage, kiddies. It is truly I, the marvelous Kefka, back for a well-deserved sequel in this pathetic dimension! (Laughs)

Squishy: Unreal… You're here too?

Kefka: Of course I am! Though you two left me a splitting headache from our last encounter, I have gained a new body and am ready to fry some tush.

Sylvia: Wait, if you have a new body, how come Bowser looks rebuilt and robotic?

Kefka: Bowser? Oh, you mean Turtle S**t. He's like that because he's a dumb-a**. He chose to salvage whatever was left of himself rather then die and come back fresh in a few months. Huuh, peoples' desire to cling to their original lives just plain sickens me!

Cope: What're you doing back here?

Kefka: You got ADD, boy? I already told you: I'm here for payback! And how sweet it shall be! I've learned from my past mistakes, and now I know how to handle you guys.

Jo: What makes you so certain? It's been a whole lot of years, Baby Juggalo; we've changed a whole lot.

Kefka: Well that's null and void, hairy man, because I am a quick learner. I am superfly! I, am... The FLASH! (Whipcrack)

Anna: The who?

(Kefka pulls out a boombox and places it next to him)

Kefka: Here: Let me lay it down real slow.

(Pushes a button. Queen's song "Flash" starts its steady opening beats, and until)

Kefka: _FLASH!_ (Unleashes an electric stream, then vanishes)

 _Aa-AAAH!_ (More lightning) _Savior of the Universe!_ (Vanishes again)

Jo: Where'd he go?

(The song beats steadily, and when the vocals return)

Kefka: _FLASH!_ (Lightning) _Aa-AAAH! He'll save every ONE OF US!_

(Vanishes again. He continues this pattern for a while, singing along to the words and shooting lightning from random spots)

Cope: Quit hiding you coward!

Kefka: Never! I'm having too much fun!

(This goes on for a bit until a small box flies in from nowhere and smashes the boom box, stopping the music and making Kefka reappear in mid-air and fall to the walkway. Many more boxes and crates come flying at the Jedi, making them dodge and slash)

Kefka: Crap! He's too early. I'll finish you guys later! (Disappears in a big electric flash)

Sylvia: Hey wait!

(A huge crate lands before the Jedi. It then explodes, and when the dust clears there is a tall man, clad in black combat clothes, with blondish hair and a mean pair of shades)

Jo: Who's this joker?

Sylvia: Wait… Can it be?

Squishy: Ohhh whaaaaaat the h**l man?

Man: Well well well, if it isn't the horndog and the low-standard c***. So nice to see you again.

Anna: "Again"? Who is this guy?

Cope: How many threatening individuals do you happen to know, you two?

Man: What, you didn't bother to regale your friends with our encounter? Very well, I'll do it myself. To the painfully uniformed, I am Albert Wesker: The Ultimate Human Specimen.

Cope: Wait! Albert Wesker? Albert Wesker from Resident Evil?

Wesker: Did I stutter, "Mandark"? There can be no other.

Anna: Well if you're… whoever the f*** Wesker is, then what are you doing here?

Wesker: Revenge, to an extent. But I'm also here for redemption of myself.

Sylvia: What do you mean by that?

Wesker: After I lost to you two and was born anew, I realized that my talents were being wasted. I had incredible speed, flexibility and power, and I was wasting it trying to remake a world that's too far beyond salvation. So I decided to become a mercenary and actually use my formidable assets for something more worthwhile. And when Mr. Opportunity came a-knocking, I decided to kill two birds with one well-chiseled stone. I'd kill the ones who killed me, and flaunt my enhancements for sheer satisfaction while doing it.

Cope: Too many, random, video game cameos, right now… Head… hurting...

Jo: I must say that was a really interesting story, Mr. Wesker. It displayed a truly captivating—

(Lunges at Wesker with saber, but Wesker brings up his leg to counter. Rather them get chopped off the leg actually locks with the saber and knocks it back)

Wesker: Not so fast, Mullet Man. I know of your Jedi tricks, which is why I've come equipped with lightsaber-resistant clothing. Not only is it effective, but it really accentuates my figure.

Anna: (Facepalm) Oh lord…

Wesker: So now you'll have a much harder time trying to kill me. Are you ready?

Sylvia: Just shut up and fight you a**hole!

Wesker: Alright, it's your funeral. Though at the very least, allow me to provide some accompanying music for the occasion.

(Whips out his arm with a snap, causing a synth guitar to play. To the song "Get Ready 2 Rokk" from Guitar Hero, Wesker pushes the Jedi back along the walkway with his fast attacks. Soon they reach a busy airway where they fall off the walkway and land atop some hover cars. As the cars fly along at super speed, Wesker grooves and bops to the beat to taunt our heroes. They continue fighting across the many craft until reaching a large freighter. It is here that Wesker is cornered, but he heel stomps the cockpit, causing the craft to veer out of the airway and straight into a building. The ship crashes through and busts into some techno club before stopping, creating a huge mess. The other Jedi are caught beneath rubble while Wesker dances in the middle of the dance floor to the funky track. A phone's ringing suddenly stops the music and Wesker, who reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a cell and answers it)

Wesker: Wesker here… I found them alright… I'm right in the middle of doing it... What? Leave? What for?… I don't see why I must drop everything this very second, especially when the song hasn't even... Is that so… Alright, I'm on my way. (Puts away cell, then sighs) Spoilsport.

(He leaps away with great agility. Meanwhile, the Jedi manage to crawl out from the rubble)

Sylvia: What was that all about?

Cope: Who cares? Whatever it was it, it stopped that crappy music.

Squishy: I actually liked that song.

Cope: Nobody asked you.

(A beeping comes from Jo. He answers his communicator)

Jo: Yes Admiral?

Ackbar: Joseph, where the heck have you been?! Why aren't you at your post?

Jo: Quite frankly, sir, nothing of real importance was happening there that needed my presence.

Ackbar: Well interesting things are happening now! The invaders have ceased fire.

Anna: Come again?

Jo: Ceased fire? Why?

Ackbar: Our scout teams have discovered that the entire invasion force is made up of droids. And they deactivated some minutes ago.

Squishy: Deactivated some minutes ago... Could that have something to do with Wesker?

Sylvia: Possibly?

Ackbar: And that's not all, Joseph. A scout managed to put a tracking beacon on one of the enemy transports, and it has just arrived at a spaceport close to your location. I've already dispatched the other Jedi, so meet up with them.

Jo: Yes, Admiral. Will do.

Ackbar: Good. Now hop to it!

(Switches off. Some time later, we turn to an open air observation platform overlooking an immense spaceport. All the Jedi run up some stairs and reach the platform)

Will: We've made it.

Sally: Check it out!

(Show the area where several freighter ships are up and running. Some of them start rising to space)

Stan: Those must be the crooks. And they're making a run for it.

Jo: Okay guys, we're gonna have to sneak aboard one of those freighters. Once inside we'll find out who's behind all this and why they want whatever they stole.

?: I'm afraid I cannot allow that.

(Landing atop the platform guardrail is none other than Richter Jaa-Ruuk)

Sylvia: Richter!

Stan: What're you doing here, bro?

Rick: Making sure things operate without any delays.

Anna: Wait, you're working with these people?

Rick: You could say that.

Cope: What's that supposed to mean?

Rick: Nothing of any concern for now. But what _is_ a concern is keeping you off those ships.

Jo: Over our dead bodies, kid!

Rick: If that's what it takes.

Squishy: Hold on a sec! Rick, why are you doing this? Why are you fighting us?

Rick: It should have been made clear when I killed those nerds. I have become one with the Sith, father.

All: (Immensely overdramatic gasp of shock!)

Squishy: How?! You were all regretful about what you did; why are you suddenly Sith?

Rick: Twas a momentary lapse in my emotions, but since then I've had time to wholly embrace the Dark Side with all its benefits.

Stan: My brother a Sith? Say it isn't so, Rick! Say it isn't so!

Sally: Ricky, what the heck? I mean, seriously! Are you for real?

Sara: Sith among other things? What is with this day?

Jo: That can't be; that's utter bull crap! You're fibbing!

Anna: Yeah! How could you possibly embrace the Dark Side in just a few hours?!

Rick: You dare question my title as Sith? You don't think I have the power to stop you Jedi? Doubt towards me will be your first fatal mistake, fools.

Cope: Well he talks big like a Sith, that's for sure.

Sally: Rick! Quit playing around and talk to us, normally!

Stan: Sis! I don't think we should antaga—

Sally: Siths are losers anyway! Do you want to be a loser, Rick, like Auntie Anna used to be?

Anna: Hey!

(Cope snickers, but stops before Anna catches him)

Rick: You still question me? Fine, I'll prove my worth. I'll show you I'm far better than any of you light-bearers, especially my own kin. Behold!

(Reaches into his robes for something. Jo raises arms to cover face)

Jo: For the love of God, man, have some decency!

(Rick pulls out a long, black, mean-looking electric guitar)

Sara: A guitar?

Rick: Not just any guitar: One infused with the essence of the Dark Side and polished with the slickest of evil intentions. I shall use this instrument to wipe all of you out.

Cope: You'll what now with what?

Rick: Father, you're a renowned guitarist of the light. Justify your beliefs by facing me in Mortal Guitar Fest and taking me out.

Squishy: Strike down my own son with music? That's completely absurd!

Sylvia: Hold on. Something about this—

Rick: If that's so, then I'll kill you without hesitation!

(Pulls off a screeching riff that shoots electricity at Squishy. He manages to whip out his own guitar and deflect the blast, but he's pushed back quite a bit)

Sylvia: Squishy!

Sally: Dad!

Rick: Come now, old man. Fight back!

(Gives off another riff that Squishy deflects)

Squishy: No! I can't do it!

Jo: You've got to do something, Squishy!

Will: Go on the defensive at least!

Rick: Yes, that's right. Take the defensive route; go around an obstacle rather than plow right through it. Your ways are weak and ineffective! It's a surprise I managed to live this long following those beliefs!

Anna: You shut that mouth of yours, punk!

Rick: Make me! That is, if you're not wussy enough to do it.

Cope: Squishy, you seriously can't be taking crap like this, especially from your own son!

Jo: Yeah, Squishy; kick his a**!

Sylvia: Hey! That's my son you're talking about!

Squishy: Enough! (Gives off an awesome riff that restores his energy) Richter, you're being a complete brat right now! I say you're going to time out, mister!

Rick: About time you showed some spine! Now come at me!

("Bark at the Moon" kicks on as he falls off railing, followed by Squishy. As they're free-falling they exchange riff attacks, eventually bounding off girders and beams on the way down. Soon they land opposite each other on a lower platform, Rick standing atop a piece of piping, looming large and menacing)

Rick: How can you expect to overtake me with these dusty tunes? This battle calls for something a little more modern.

(Suddenly the area darkens as the growls and strings of "Beast and the Harlot" begins to play. Once the rhythm gets going, Rick lays down some heavy electric arcs on his father, leaping about the outer edges of the platform. However, Squishy once again pushes through with his own, bringing back the light of Ozzy to the fray. The return of the legend causes beams to fall all around them, with several breaking the platform apart. They fall a ways before landing on some baggage carriers, where Rick brings back the Sevenfold to fry up his dad. The songs keep switching back and forth as father and son exchange musical blows, all while the carriers carry them around the spaceport. At times they fly beneath exiting ships and through more structures. Eventually they leap off to run up the side of a launch tower, then leap at a platform. They riff out a bit, staring one another down, before Rick leaps a hundred feet from the platform and to the open hatch of a freighter ship. Squishy leaps as well, and once he's halfway over, Rick Force snaps some strings on Squishy's guitar. This causes an abrupt stop to the music, making the Jawa fall short and plummet down to the spaceport floor. Fortunately an aircraft carrying the other Jedi swoop in and catch him. Rick looks down on them with contempt before stepping into the hatch and closing it as the freighter takes off. Back on the aircraft)

Will: Darn it! They got away.

Anna: Hey, Squishy, you alright? Squishy? Squishy!

(Show Squishy stunned and staring. He lifts up his somewhat ruined guitar and looks at it)

Squishy: Richter… What has happened to you?

(Some time later, the Jedi are recuperating in the spaceport visitors center. Ackbar walks in)

Ackbar: Status report. Have you found out anything about the culprits?

Jo: No. They got away.

Will: We tried to board their ships, but Rick stalled us.

Ackbar: Rick? As in your son, Squishy? What was he doing there?

Squishy: He was working with the thieves. And he's… become a Sith.

Ackbar: WHAT!?

Stan: It's true: he made the evil talk and everything. He even fought dad to a rock-off, and won!

Cope: Absurd as that whole thing was, it is indeed the case, Admiral.

Ackbar: Ulgghh, this is bad. Not good whatsoever. We haven't dealt with Sith in years. Just another problem to add to our growing list.

Sara: Nothing's been going our way for a good while.

Ackbar: However, we cannot dwell on what has happened. We have more pressing matters, like where those ships went.

Jo: You wouldn't happen to have any ideas, would you?

Ackbar: Now that's where we finally have good news. As they were leaving, we did manage to break into their nav computers and nab their destination coordinates before they jumped. The reason why we aren't going after them is because they left some gravity well generators, keeping us from hyperspacing out of here. Maintenance crews are working to deactivate them as we speak.

Sylvia: So where are they headed?

Ackbar: Korriban.

(Silence covers the room)

Anna: You're serious?

Ackbar: Indeed I am.

Sally: What's Korriban?

Anna: The Sith homeworld. A dead rock in this millennium.

Will: But it sounds like something big is gonna go down there.

Ackbar: If that's the case, then one thing bothers me. The security on the freighters' nav computers were of very low quality; considered pre-school by our hackers. If something important is about to happen there, how come the ships didn't have better security on their data?

Cope: Maybe they wanted us to know where they're going.

Sally: For a grand face-off or something.

Stan: Oh brother… I don't think I'm ready for that.

Sylvia: If it's really setting up to be a showdown, then we could finally discover what's the meaning behind those robberies. And I know without a doubt that we'll find out what was the cause of Richter's change.

Squishy: (Worried sigh) I just hope we aren't too late to save him by that time…

* * *

 **A Special Broadcast!**

About an hour after the incident on Coruscant, news stations across the planet have received holo-vid transmissions from the runaway transport freighters. The video is as follows:

(Rick is standing in a darkened room. A spotlight keeps him visible)

Rick: People of Coruscant, I am Richter Jaa-Ruuk the First. You know me as the son of the famed Jedi couple Squishy the Jawa and Sylvia the Ssi-Ruuk. You also know that I have been a Jedi Padawan for some time. I am here to announce that I have thrown aside the title for a more promising one: The role of Sith Grand Master. Allow the shock to settle in, for more will befall your precious Republic, as long as it continues to associate itself with the nerd slime. Already measures have been taken to wipe out this disease, and more drastic measures will come so long as all geeks, fanboys and cosplayers continue to call themselves "citizens".

Today's attack was done to show you that no place is safe from the vengeful hands of the Sith. Your Jedi failed to stop the power of the Dark Side and me, its envoy, from leaving your spaceport with our spoils. It is a sign that change is upon us, so save yourselves by approving all philosophies, all notices, all actions that support the Sith. Do so and you all will be spared from mind-blowing torture, and instead have a stable government that will bring true understanding back to the galaxy. Of course, there are those who remain stubborn to their archaic beliefs of justice and righteousness. To said aforementioned people, including my parents and ever-naive siblings, you undoubtedly know where I am headed. Though I'm confident that you will fail to stop me again, I won't disclose information on my grand master plan. However, I will tell you this much... (Clears throat then)

Rick:

 _Toniiight,_ (Piano plays)

 _I'm gonna have myseeelf,_

 _A real good time._

 _I, feel a li-I-I-I-IIIIVE!_

 _And the world!_

 _Is tur-ning inside out, Yeah!_

 _I'm floating around, in ecstasyyy,_

 _So_ _—_

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't, Stop, me, noooooow._

 _Don't, Stop, me_ _—_

Rick:

 _Cuz I'm_ _—_

Droid Chorus:

 _Having a good time!_

 _HAVING A GOOD TIME!_

(Room lights up, revealing many droids singing with various instruments)

Rick:

 _I'm a shooting star_

 _Leaping through the skyyyyy!_ (Piano is more upbeat, with some drums)

 _Like a tiger! Defying the laws of,_

 _Gravityyyy!_

 _I'm a racing car, passing byyyy,_

 _Like Lady Godiva!_

 _I'm gonna go, go, go,_

 _There's no stoppin' MEEE!_

 _I'm bur-ning through the sky, yeah!_

 _200 Degrees! That's why they call me_

 _Mr. Fahren-heiiiiit!_

 _I'm travelin' at the speed of liiight!_

 _Ohhhh, I wanna make a_ _—_

(Note: Credits are playing)

Droid Chorus:

 _Supersonic man out of youu!_ (Piano plays)

 _Don't, stop me nooooow!_

Rick:

 _I'm having such a good time;_

 _I'm having a ball._

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't, stop me nooooow!_

Rick:

 _If you wanna have a good time,_

 _Just give me a call!_

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't, stop me nooooow!_

Rick:

 _I'm having a good time._

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't, stop me nooow!_

Rick:

 _Yes! I'm having a good time;_

 _I don't wanna stop at Allllllll!_

 _Yeah!_

 _I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars! On a collision course!_

 _I am a satellite; I'm outta control!_

 _I'm a sex machine ready to reloooad!_

 _Like an atom bomb! That's about to_ _—_

All:

 _Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa—EXPLOOOODE!_

Rick:

 _I'm bur-ning through the sky, yeah!_

 _200 Degrees! That's why they call me_

 _Mr. Fahren-heiiiiit!_

 _I'm travelin' at the speed of liiight!_

 _Ohhhh, I wanna make a_ _—_

Droid Chorus:

 _Supersonic woman of you!_ (Only the drum is going)

 _Don't stop me! Don't stope me! Don't stop me!_

Rick:

 _Hey hey heeey!_

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't stop me! Don't stop me! Ooh hoo hoo!_

Rick:

 _I like it!_

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't stop me! Don't stop me!_

Rick:

 _Havin' a good time, good time!_

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't stop me! Don't stop me!_

Rick: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH YEEEEEAH!

(Rick busts out his guitar and plays out an intense guitar solo. Afterwards)

Rick:

 _Ohhhhhhh,_

 _I'm bur-ning through the sky, yeah!_

 _200 Degrees! That's why they call me_

 _Mr. Fahren-heiiiiit!_ (Guitar riffs)

 _I'm travelin' at the speed of liiight!_

 _Oh, I wanna make a_ _—_

Droid Chorus:

 _Supersonic man out of youu!_ (Piano plays)

 _Don't, stop, me noooow!_

Rick:

 _I'm having such a good time;_

 _I'm having a ball._

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't, stop, me nooooow!_

Rick:

 _If you wanna have a good time,_

 _Just give me a call!_

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't, stop, me nooooow!_

Rick:

 _I'm having a good time._

Droid Chorus:

 _Don't, stop, me nooooow!_

Rick:

 _Yes! I'm having a good time;_

 _I don't wanna stop at Allllllllll!_

(As piano plays out and Rick goes on dah-dah-dahhing to finish the song, we get a shot of the freighter ship shrinking into the dark void of space)

 **Stay Tuned…**


	4. Episode 3

**Steve Warz**

 **Episode [Wal Triple Neck Bass]:**

 **Main Attraction**

 **aka**

 **The Final Countdown**

 _Oh h**l… Tons of proverbial doodoo has hit the fan. After the shocking first episode, the Jedi have been called back to Coruscant for its defense. Not only that, but to also find the reasoning behind the mass robberies of various items across the planet. While investigating, the assigned Jedi encountered confrontations with video game icons such as a re-built Bower, Kefka and even the enigmatic Albert Wesker. Though unable to stop these three, the Jedi managed to locate the stolen goods at a nearby spaceport. But things only got worse from there._

 _The Jedi encountered Richter, who had assumed the role of soon-to-be Sith Lord, and sought to keep our heroes from stopping the thieves. An epic battle between father and son then ensued, with Squishy defeated and Richter escaping with the stolen cargo. It was soon after that Rick's final destination was uncovered: Korriban, the Sith homeworld._

 _Now our Jedi are speeding through space to get to the bottom of the robberies and, most likely, a confrontation Richter in a classic grand battle of good versus evil. It is there that destinies will either be fulfilled... or destroyed._

* * *

(Space. We see the brown, decaying rock that is Korriban. Coming into view is Home One, which just exited hyperspace. Within its bridge)

Tech. Off: Korriban is right in front of us. Making approach.

Ackbar: Good. Maintain speed.

(The Jedi are there, looking on)

Anna: Korriban… It's been awhile.

Sara: I'm getting shivers just thinking about it.

Jo: We all are.

Sally: Looks ugly.

Stan: Well, I suppose the Sith like ugly, sis.

Ackbar: Alright, so you all know what to do?

Will: Yes sir. We hop on the Century Sparrow, head planetside and get the thieves.

Ackbar: And don't forget about Richter; he's a key figure in this mission.

Sylvia: Yes, we know.

Ackbar: I'm serious about this. Though he is your son, if he proves to be a major risk to your lives and the Republic, you'll have to take him out.

Squishy: If it ever comes to that…

Ackbar: You can't allow your emotions to hamper your judgment. You have to stay focused.

Cope: Don't worry, Admiral. If they can't do it, then I will.

Tech. Off: Planetary scan complete. We've picked up a very small electronic signal in the middle of a dry plain. Other than that, everything's quiet.

Will: That's weird. The way Rick was talking, I sorta expected a huge army or something.

Chris: Well if there is something bigger down there and things go belly up, we'll lock onto your tracking beacons and bomb that place to Hell.

Anna: Oh, gee, nice of you to look after us, eh Chris?

Jo: Let's head for the hanger, guys. We've got a job to do.

(They leave. We then see the Sparrow leave Home One and cruise for the planet. Later on, we see the ship land on the edge of a dry plain. Onboard)

Squishy: Stan and Sal, you stay here and watch the ship.

Sally: How come? I want to talk to Rick.

Squishy: If he's really a Sith, he might try to turn you with words. It wouldn't do us good to be fighting three Sith instead of just one.

Stan: He's our brother, though. And if we can be turned by words, then you shouldn't go out there either!

Sally: Yeah, why can you go?

Sylvia: Because we're older and more experienced. You're just novices who could become manipulated via your emotions.

Both: But Mooooooom—

Sylvia: No! You're staying here. With how close you three were growing up, can you imagine fighting him in an actual life-or-death scenario? Would you be able to cut him down without hesitation? (The siblings go silent) I refuse to see any of my children killing one another, and from your looks, you don't want that either.

Jo: Yeesh...

Anna: On a less dire note, Rick would be less tempted to do nasty Sith mind tricks if he's facing us pros who can straighten him out easier.

Sara: Yeah. In that sense, you'd actually be helping your brother by staying here.

Will: Yep.

Sylvia: So will you stay here on the ship and not do anything foolish, for your brother's sake?

Sally: (Sigh) I suppose we will…

Squishy: I know it's hard. But it's for your safety.

Cope: If you're done talking family matters, we've got work to do.

Squishy: Right. Sorry about that. See you two later, okay?

Stan: Okay.

(The other Jedi leave. We later see them trekking across the dry, barren landscape of the dead planet)

Anna: I haven't been here since my Sith days. There's plenty of untouched evil still left here.

Will: Evil that Rick may want to get his claws on, so we better hurry.

Jo: I can feel the Darkness getting stronger already. Be on your guard.

(At some point Squishy starts walking in place without moving)

Sylvia: What the?

Cope: Squishy, we have no time for you to be doing the Moonwalk.

Squishy: What are you talking about? Where are you?

Cope: I'm right next to you.

Squishy: No you're not. You and the others are way behind me.

Jo: What are you smoking, Squishy—

(The whole group zips across the plain without moving, then stops)

Anna: Whoa. What just happened?

Sara: Now Jo's doing the Moonwalk!

Squishy: Why am I repeating the same 10 feet over and over again?

Will: What's going on here?

(Everyone starts suffering serious slowdown. Their movements are erratic, and they talk normally but their mouths don't match the words)

Cope: I'm not moving right, WTH!?

Will: It's almost like we're lagging.

Anna: Lagging? As in computer lagging?

Squishy: That can't be it, Will. That's just plain ridicu—

(Everything becomes a blue screen)

Sara: A blue screen?

Cope: This isn't Ultima! What is this?!

Sylvia: Says it's trying to reconnect.

Jo: Oh, dear. I think I know what's going on.

Anna: Pray tell, Jo.

Jo: The net feed is running dry. Gotta put another quarter in the phone booth.

Cope: Wait! You're hooked to the Internet through a pay phone?!

Jo: Well yeah! It's far cheaper than using my own phone.

Anna: Unbelievable!

Jo: Hold on, I just put a quarter in. Now we just wait a bit and— (Everything returns to normal) There. Everything's set.

Sylvia: But did we move at all during that time?

Will: I think so. I don't recall a huge stage being over there.

(50 yards from them there is indeed a gargantuan outdoor stage similar, to one at a rock concert, adorned with hanging lights and black curtains. They approach the stage until)

?: You actually came. And right on schedule, too.

(Walking onto stage and into view is the cloaked Jaa-Ruuk Richter)

Jo: Richter!

Rick: Salutations, great Jedi Masters. Do you like the stage? You should, since this is the stage from which your demise shall be conducted.

Anna: Hefty words, coming from a Sith noob.

Rick: Oh silly little Anna, or should I say, Pineapple. Though I'm new to the Dark Side, I have one thing you failed to produce: A worthy vision. You threw away all your awesome powers and foresight to pursue the path of light with your friends. You disgraced the Sith by failing to stay with it and attain its fullest potential. I, on the other hand, will go unwaveringly to the end, where the final, ultimate power of the Sith lies in wait for the one worthy enough to wield it.

Cope: Pah! Typical Sith grandeur! You do realize that past Sith lords have regretted their ways.

Rick: Says who?

Anna: Says KOTOR!

Rick: HA! Typical Jedi naivety! KOTOR is a video game, fools! A bunch of programmers know nothing of the intricacies and philosophy that come with being a true Force wielder.

Jo: Maybe so, but that doesn't change the fact that you're seriously outnumbered right now. So tell us why your employers stole all that random stuff.

Will: And who they are for that matter!

Rick: In due time, my former comrades. But first, where are my dear siblings? Did they not want to see their brother?

Squishy: They're on the Sparrow, son.

Rick: Why? What lies did you and mother tell them to keep them away from me? What kind of parents are you?

Sylvia: Good ones that's what! If you really have become Sith, then there will be no way for you to manipulate them.

Rick: Ohhohohohohoho, how right you are, mother. Still, I can take you all on without whipping me up some unwilling meat shields.

Will: You and what army?

Rick: Actually, to be more accurate: what posse? This one: (Snaps fingers. Rising up through the stage floor are three robed, hooded figures of varying sizes) Everyone… Meet the band!

(The three people whip off their robes and are revealed to be the Digital Three: Bowser, Kefka, and Wesker! To a bumping beat they each give a twirl and end up with instruments: Wesker at bass, Kefka with an electric guitar, and Bowser behind drums. They pose)

Cope: Aw f**k no!

Kefka: Boo! (Laughs) Didn't expect to see us, did you?

Bowser: But here we are, once again, to stomp you all!

Wesker: Only this time we have joined forces to deliver complete, musical domination. Yaow! (Plays a sweet chord)

Rick: That's right. With the baddest of the bad backing me up, you cannot stop the great rock/Sith revival that is: The Sith Armada™!

(Guitar riff is made, but then things go dead quiet)

Kefka: Wait… That's our band name?

Bowser: That's lame! Four doesn't necessarily make an armada, does it? Besides, we should have a name that's more original. How bout we call ourselves Bowser's Troopas?

Wesker: Absolutely not. With a bass player as debonair as myself, the band name demands shortness. Therefore, we shall be The Weskers.

Kefka: That's even stupider than turtlehead's suggestion! Look, I'm obviously the most talented one here. So it would make outrageous sense to be dubbed Kefka and The Espers.

Bowser: No! Bowser's Troopas!

Wesker: The Weskers!

Kefka: Kefka and the Espers!

Bowser: Bowser's Troopas!

Wesker: The Weskers!

Pants Monkey: Pie!

Rick: SILENCE! (Hand to forehead) Jersey-Tap dancin'-City atop a flagpole, you all act like such children! The band will remain The Sith Armada™ (Guitar riff) and I refuse to see it broken apart by petty squabble! Understand?

(The other three grumble into obedience)

Jo: What are you trying to get at?

Rick: (Swirls around in a fury) What I'm trying to get at, Jedi, are my plans of domination! But first, I think it most appropriate if I were to demonstrate the power of this fully amp-erational battle stage! Ready?

Three: Yeah dawg!

Rick: Turn it to eleven! And _beyond_!

Three:

 _Heeeeeeeere, we are!_

 _Booorn to be kiings!_ (Guitar)

 _We're the princes of the_

 _Universe…_

 _Heeeeeere we belong!_ (Dun dun!)

Rick:

 _Fighting to survive!_

 _In a world, with the dar-kest,_

 _Power…_

(Dee dee, dee dee, dee dee, dee dee, dee dee dee)

 _HAY!_

(As the three bandmates play ominously the whole area begins to rumble, then rising from the dead earth comes a massive stone ruin/plateau holding the stage and Jedi. It continues to rise up high over the land before stopping. As the final guitar riffs are made, huge stacks of sound speakers roll onto the stage and floodlights point downward and burst on)

Rick:

 _And here we are!_

 _We're the princes of the universe!_ (Guitar)

 _Here we beeeloong;_

 _Fightning for sur-vi-val!_

 _We've come to be the rulers of you ALLLLLLLLLL!_

(As an ominous chorus chants, the skies above darken with swirling, thundery clouds)

Rick:

 _I am immooortal._

 _I have inside me blood of kings._

Roadie: Yeah! Yeah!

Rick:

 _I have no rival!_

 _No man can be my equal!_

 _Send me to the future of you allllllll!_ (Guitar, then)

 _Booooorn, to be kiiiings!_

 _Princes of the un-i-verse._

 _Fighting and FreeeeEEEE!_

 _Got your world in my haaaaand!_

 _I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand!_

All:

 _Weeeee weeeeere born,_

 _To be princes of the universe!_

Rick:

 _No man could understaaaand!_

 _My power is in my own haand!_

Three:

 _Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,_

 _People talk about you,_

 _People say you've had your day._

Rick:

 _I'm a man that will go far…._

 _Fly the moon and reach for the stars._

 _With my sword and head held hiiiiigh!_

 _Got to pass the test; fiirst tiiiime!_ (Dum, dum)

 _YeeeEeeeeah!_

 _I know that_

 _People talk about me—I hear it everyday._

 _But I can prove them wrong_

 _Cuz I'm right—_

All:

 _Fiiiiirst TIIIIIIIIIME!_ (Guitar)

Rick:

Yeah! (Guitar) YEAH! (Bowser unleashes major drummage)

Alright! Let's go, let's go! — Ha HAA!

(Kefka then busts out a long, fast, steady electric solo)

Rick: Yeeeeeah. Watch this man fly. — Wooh!

Bring on the girls! (Popping up around the place are pods holding the stolen dancing girls)

C'mon c'mon c'mon!

Three:

 _HEEEEEERE we are!_

Rick:

 _Here we are!_

Three:

 _Booorn to be kings, we're the_

 _Princes of the universe!_

(Pause then)

All:

 _Here weeee beloooong!_ (Duh duh)

Rick:

 _Booooorn to be kings,_

 _Princes of the un-i-verse!_

 _Fighting and FreeeEEEE!_

 _Got your world in my hand!_

 _I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand!_

All:

 _Weeeeee weeeeere boorn!_

 _To be Princes of the Universe!_

(As the last word echoes we get a look at the whole large ruin, which has become the size of a football field with the stage at one end. There are loudspeakers on the edges and the whole place is completely bathed in floodlights from multiple pylons)

Will: …Whoooaa….

Jo: I'll say. D***...

Rick: Impressed? Another great thing about The Sith Armada (guitar riff) is that it takes other people's songs effortlessly. Plus, that was just phase one of my grand plan.

Sara: Phase one?

Rick: Yes. My grand scheme comes in three parts. (Finger countdowns) Phase One is Charge, where the battlefield is made ready. Phase Two, Battle, is where you shall face my bandmates in brutal combat. Finally, in Phase Three, or Final, if you survive my associates, then you will face me in a struggle that will determine the fate of the galaxy. Simple and organized, wouldn't you say?

Squishy: Wait… Gitaroo-Man phases?

Sylvia: That's enough, Richter! This is crazy! Why are you doing all this!?

Rick: I've told you before: so long as the nerd stain re—

Sylvia: That's not it, Richter; it's something more! I'm your mother, I've watched you grow into the man you are today, and I know it would have to take something more troubling than nerds to make you want to go Sith; to turn against your very family! What's the real reason? Answer me this instant!

(Silence, until)

Rick: …Heh. It's good to know your wits haven't dulled after all these years. Then again, any attentive parent ought to know that their child's deepest troubles are never as trivial as simple nerdphobia.

Anna: You're not in it for the nerds?

Rick: Everything I've done has been merely a front to induce fear and mistrust. Though if the nerds get wiped out in the process, that would be a bonus.

Jo: So what are you really doing this for?

Rick: Real simple, Jo. I'm doing this in order to find purpose.

Cope: Purpose? What do you mean?

Rick: I'm trying to find a niche for myself in a galaxy where I don't belong; where I shouldn't exist.

Squishy: What're you talking about?

Rick: It's so freakin' obvious, Dad: I'm a FREAK!

(Gasps and dramatic stings)

Sylvia: What did you call yourself?!

Rick: Don't play dumb with me, Mother! Of all people, you yourself should know that I have no place in this galaxy far, far away.

Sara: What do you mean?

Rick: God you're all so dense! Let me lay if down real clear to you. (Becomes more calm, soft voiced) I'm one of a kind, and I do mean one of a kind. There is no one else in the galaxy like me. Stan and Sally could pass off as Ssi-Ruuk to most people, but not me. That kind of distinction should make me feel special, right? Alas, it's only brought me sorrow and solitude… (Kefka starts playing a soft, melodramatic tune) Ever since I was born, no one outside my family had ever accepted me for what I am. Sure, I was tolerated, and even respected for my status as the son of Jedi, but they never wanted to understand me. You heard it yourselves: how that grubby wizard said "crossbreed" with such revulsion. But when I became Force-aware, I sensed that everyone around me shared those same feelings. They feared me, were disgusted by me, called me many things. Lizard, mix spawn, demon, Jawa-saur… Freak...

(Holds up and looks at his five-clawed hands)

Rick: I was born in Jawa robes… Few have seen the thing beneath the cloak, and what I see disgusts me.

Squishy: Son honestly you don't look bad—

Rick: I was still in the middle of monologueing DON'T INTERRUPT ME! (After a pause, he resumed) I can never be a part of society. I will never be accepted. I will always be an alien in a universe of diversity. People would look down on me and consider me an abomination of nature... because you had to bring me into this world, Mom and Dad. If I am considered to be a one-member race to everyone, then I might as well align myself with the thing everyone also dislikes. So in a way, I would be right at home being hated for both my heritage and my allegiance. And because of this, I will bring vengeance to all those who much prefer nerds over me; who never thought of me as being an equal. This includes all those fools in the Republic you fight to protect.

Bowser: Which is why we're helping!

Wesker: The three of us once thought negatively of your children, as you may recall. But after listening to the boy, we've come to sympathize with his plight and seek to wholeheartedly undo this grievous slight.

Kefka: That's right! I may have an unending distaste of all life in general, but that doesn't mean I can't have pity and condolence for someone being mistreated. Ah yes, this guy reminds me of myself as a young lad: setting anything that moved aflame and giggling like a schoolgirl all the while. Ahhh, good times…

Sara: But Rick, you're talking crazy. No one hates you.

Rick: Bulls**t! None of your sweet innocent talkin' will hide the truth this time! _Nothing_ will ever hide it: The fact that this whole galaxy is full of racists!

Three: Yeah!

Sylvia: Okay, son, we'll admit it. No one is can be a total angel; you're undoubtedly aware of that. Everyone has prejudices of others, and for a good long while we thought all nerds were bad.

Squishy: That's true, but all that changed because the nerds proved their worth. Everyone has a right to exist, Rick; the people have yet to accept yours because you haven't done something to prove all of them wrong. Becoming a Sith will only make that much harder for them to swallow.

Rick: BAH! Right to exist? You're the only reason why I'm suffering in the first place! You and that unholy union with Mother! Which brings me to another point: Even if this galaxy wholly accepts me for who I am, I would still be alone. You and Mother's love, though a ridiculous probability, was still possible. But what about me? Who could ever love something that's neither Jawa nor Ssi-Ruuk? Only something even freakier than myself!

Squishy: Don't go saying that! Sure you're different, but that means squat in the face of love! Just look at me and your mother: despite our physical differences, our vastly different DNA, we managed to form a connection the likes of which couldn't be undone even by our very own creator.

Will: He's right. If a midget and a lizard could boink like no one's business, miraculously produce offspring, and pull off a long stable marriage well after the fact, then anything's possible for you, Rick.

Squishy:...Thanks, Will. See, Rick, if you just go out there and trust your fellow citizens, then in time you'll find someone you find special and who will think likewise of you. Then, when you know plenty about each other, race will be of no significance when you perform that one, great act of love. Just your resolve and spiritual bonding will get you to that happy moment. Isn't that right, hon?

Sylvia: Well, uhhhh, I'm not so sure about that…

Jo: Huuurmm?

Squishy: What? What do you mean?

Sylvia: Actually, I was kind of tipsy that night and… I barely remember anything leading up to the Wayland incident.

Anna: NAAAAA-oooo! No way! Squishy taking advantage of a drunk Ssi-Ruuk? Dude!

Cope: Oh God you're a far lonelier, more desperate person than I had originally imagined!

Sara: Shameful! And to think I thought you were too nice a guy for those kinds of things!

Squishy: Shut up! I never took advantage of Sylvia. Our love is pure and true! Stop acting like you all were against us this entire—

Rick: I've heard enough from you! (The squabbling stops. An unseen guitar plays) Whether or not your commitments were made based on honest love, my position still stands. I shall bring tolerance to the galaxy by force, beginning, (Raises an arm) with your beatdown.

(Drops arm, causing his bandmates to leap from the stage after the Jedi. To Iron Maiden's "The Trooper" the Jedi face the combined skill of Kefka, Wesker, and the re-animated Bowser. Our heroes go all over the arena dodging fire balls, lightning bolts, and the cat-like reflexes of a deranged mercenary. Despite their best efforts, the combined coordinated evil is too much for them)

Kefka: What jolly fun! We're winning!

Jo: This is bad. They're too much for us!

(A Flare spell blasts the Jedi a good distance, where Bowser then flattens them all into pancakes with his ground pound)

Squishy: Paaaaaaaaain.

(Wesker comes over, rolls up the Jedi and starts dribbling them like a basketball)

Cope: How's this possible?!

(Wesker slam dunks, making the ball break and the Jedi fall to the ground in a heap)

Will: This looks like the end.

Anna: (Groans) Not unless we turn to more desperate measures, like we usually do.

Jo: Squishy, please say you have something in your robe of tricks that can help us out here.

Squishy: None off the top of my head, although… (Digs into robe) I still have… (Pulls out a net) This left over from the last trilogy.

Sara: Hey, wasn't that what we used to send those runaway monkeys back to the zoo?

Cope: God that was so annoyingly unnecessary that whole part.

Squishy: Well it turns out this thing has multiple relocation settings. Just gotta turn it here…

(Show a dial on the net with settings at "Zoo", "Time Period", "Cancun", and "Dimension". The knob is turned to "Dimension")

Squishy: Alright, it's set to send them back to their respective dimensions.

Jo: Okay gang, let's finish this!

(They get up and charge the three. Bowser roars and charges at our heroes, but Squishy brings up the net to snare him, resulting in a whir and a great burst of light before all goes quiet. There is no trace of Bowser whatsoever)

Kefka: Hey, what happened to Bowser?

(The Jedi form up, looking mean. The net is in sight)

Wesker: Ohhhhhhh s**t…

Jedi: Shenanigans!

(To silly "Ape Escape" music the Jedi start chasing the other two villains, who are scurrying about the place looking silly. At some point Wesker stops his running and holds his ground)

Wesker: You may have undone my shelled bandmate, but I shall prove too swift for your lowly net. Nothing in this universe can match my godlike reflexes!

Cope: Look over there: it's Chris Redfield!

Wesker: CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIS!

(While he's busy growling out his eternal foe's name, Will runs over and slams the net down on him, sending him away in a flash)

Will: There's just one more!

(Kefka makes an "Eeek!" and runs away, but Squishy leaps in front of him. Kefka hops and bounces off his head, flying through the air to face Cope, only to kick off his face and spring backward toward Will. Will winds up and swings, but Kefka snatches it in passing, and upon landing he hops over to Anna and swings his pilfered tool down. A flash of light and she is gone. Gasps abound)

Kefka: Ha ha! I did it! I have bested one of you completely! All bow to the king! Praise the super cool—

(His net gets snatched by Anna who's standing next to him, before he gets netted and sent away)

Anna: I was already in my own dimension, idiot. Gawd!

Rick: Hmmmm… This is awkward. Seems you managed to best my crew long before Battle phase could finish. Ah well, guess I'll have to make up for the extra time. I was getting tired of watching those imbeciles spar, anyway.

(He leaps off the stage and lands in a crouch before the Jedi. As he stands up, "Thunderkiss 65" starts playing. He holds up a hilt sideways, and a fiery red lightsaber ignites from it.)

Rick: So… Are you ready?

(The Jedi get into defensive stances. After a moment, Rick leaps at them and the fighting commences. He swings at the tallest opponents first, and once they're off-balanced he swiftly goes at his shorter adversaries. Anna pushes him back, but before she can counter he rushes around to get at her back, but Sylvia runs up to ward him away with a wave of her saber)

Rick: Very well, me madre. Let's tango.

Squishy: Don't do this, son!

Rick: You'll have your turn in a sec!

(Rick rushes and attacks his mother, who blocks his relentless blows long enough for Jo to come at him from the side. He turns and brings up his saber to catch Jo's, locking the two in place for a split second before the Jaa-Ruuk springs up and flips over his former peer. On landing, he decides to take on Will and Sara simultaneously, and even duels with Cope without effort. At some point everyone starts to crowd in to try to smother him, but he unleashes Force Lightning to disband and disorient the group long enough to break out)

Cope: That's always been a cheap attack!

(They resume the LV. 7 bout. When Rick tries Force Lightning again, Anna counters with her own lightning)

Rick: You still retain some of your former skills. Why waste it for a bunch p***ies?

Anna: Just shut up and fight!

(Fight on they do. Eventually Rick faces his father, and the two get into a heated parrying match of swipes and counter swipes until Rick makes a downward slash. Squishy leaps to dodge it, and in the process he bops off Rick's head, making him freeze in a kneeling position. He just remains there, shaking erratically)

Jo: What's his problem?

(Still shaking)

Squishy: Rick?

Rick: You… (Twitch) Did… (Twitch) Not….. (Twitch) Just… (Twitch) Bop… My… Head… (Twitch twitch) Just now… (Twitchity) Did You?

(He slowly rises as a dark aura forms around him, then)

Rick:

 _The Kom-Bu-Cha,_ (Heavy metal plays)

 _MUSH, ROOM, PEO, PLE,_

 _Sitting A, Round All DAY!_

 _WHO! Can believe you?_

 _WHO! Can believe you?_

 _Let ya mother, praaaaaAAAAAAAAY!_

… _. Sugaaa._

(To SOAD's "Sugar" he moves about the arena super quick, fighting with just his claws. The Jedi try to defend themselves, but he still slashes at them regardless, and each time he strikes the searing-hot energy a burst of black keeps him unharmed. As he fights, dark energy accumulates more and more around him, giving him a more menacing appearance)

Jo: Dude! What the h**l!? (Barely deflecting the fast, furious attacks)

Rick: (Growing demonic voice) All you mushroom heads are WORTHLESS TO ME!

Sylvia: This isn't right, Squishy!

Squishy: I know! Rick never listens to metal, especially metal this stupid!

Rick: THE BULLETS OF Life go walking down the streets MOTHER F**kers!

(Continues the assault)

Anna: He's coo-coo bonkers berserk! We've got to take him out!

Sara: Isn't there some other way?

Cope: You can see it for yourself! He's too far gone!

Squishy: NO! Something is going on here! (Deflects a claw attack)

(Rick stands before the stage and rises into the air. Darkness billows from him as his eyes fill with extreme fury, electricity crackling within the miasma)

Rick: SAY YOUR PRAYERS, SHE-THING!

Sylvia: Wait, I recognize that condescending tone!

(Looking behind Rick, Squishy spots some kind of shimmering object)

Squishy: Sylvia! Up there!

Sylvia: I see it! (Rears back) Let go of my son you b****rd!

(She tosses her saber up high. The glowing weapon soars on and on and up and up and higher and higher and % V*&NGR#$]

OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

GOD-DA**IT!

NOT AGAIN!

(Back in the story, a huge round machine with two long plug arms appears behind Rick. It detaches from him and hits the ground, where we see the white-garbed, balding, bespectacled lord of creation Contractor sitting behind the controls in the glass-enclosed cockpit, hunched over and dazed. Rick instantly loses his evil aura and falls to the ground. The Jedi rush to him)

Squishy: Rick! Are you okay Rick?

Sylvia: Speak to me son! Speak to me!

Rick: Ugghh… Dad? Mom? What's going on? I only remember singing and… Oh no… Oh god. (Puts hands to head) What have I done?

Jo: It's alright, Ricky. Everything is fine now.

?: No! Everything _WAS_ fine you b***ards!

(The Contractor is now fully awake and fuming, slamming his fists on the console repeatedly)

Cont: D**mit D**mit D**mit D**mit D**mit D**mit D**mit! I was so D**N close, but you Jedi just "bleep" it up like always! D**mit!

Jedi: Contractor!

Cont: Yes, hello howdy hi, it's the Contractor once again. La dee dee Whoop dee freakin' doo da! No point making an entrance when you've been corn-holed THIS BADLY! GOD!

Will: What have you been scheming this time?

Cont: Oh why the h**l not? I ought to tell you everything seeing how pissed I am!

Anna: Quit yer b**chin' and cough it up!

Cont: Fine! Just let me chill first! (Pulls out a tray containing fresh mangoes and cooked oatmeal and takes a deep whiff. After letting out a deep, calm sigh) Ahh. Much better. Now, about my plan. (Putting away tray) As you all know, I previously tried to take you out via the mortal means of warfare, but failed. So for this go-around, I've decided to possess the most doubtful of your clan and tear you apart from within.

Cope: So Richter was possessed by you this whole time!

Jo: And you were the one who let those other three game characters in!

Cont: Aye, aye, it's true. I say, it was interesting manipulating a lizard-thing from behind the scenes. Making him sing and slash and battle, and especially that tussle at the spaceport got me real giddy. But the really good moments were seeing parents and child talking back and forth. So much drama and tension!

Sara: You've sunk to a new low: possessing sons and turning them against their families!

Sylvia: You're an even more depraved creator than we originally thought!

Cont: Yes, but an ingenious one, nyah nyah!

Rick: So… _You_ made me kill those people? Everything I had done up to now has been your doing?

Cont: Weeell… Not everything.

Rick: What?

Squishy: Rick! Get away from here and rest up. We'll handle this.

Rick: I'm actually fine, but... alright. (Walks)

Jo: Now it's just you and us, bucko.

Cont: Indeed. It's come full circle yet again. But it's not a complete disappointment. Though you have scarred my hands yet again and took away a useful tool, I can still kill you— (Pushes a button. Two more long plug arms pop out, and the four arms hit the ground and raise the pod above the Jedi) with shiny, deadly duranium plating!

Will: Alrighty, b**ch!

Cont: Good! Music!

("Sugar" starts up again and battle starts. The metal beast is pretty spry because it dodges every lightsaber and stomps about the place like a hopped-up spider. The fighting goes on, but when we reach the last minute of the music it's just a bunch of still photos of the battle switching faster and faster along with the song. Once it ends, an oven timer goes "bing!" and the mecha stops)

Cont: Ooh! It's time for FINAAAAL! Shining moment here I come!

(The mecha leaps high and lands on the stage. The plug arms hook into the corners of the light supports so the control pod is kept center in the air)

Cont: Commencing start-up!

(He pulls two retainers from his mouth and puts them into C-shaped holes in the console. It opens to reveal a compartment holding the Contractor's axe guitar, which he takes out)

Cont: Hook up! (He takes the guitar's amp cord and puts it into a plug hole in the ceiling of the cockpit) Sound check! (Gives off a great resounding note heard all over the place) Excellent! Hold on to your butts, boys and girls: it's time to ROCK!

(He then starts playing "Ace of Spades". As he's doing this lights go up all over the place and the kidnapped dancing girls shake their junks to it. A giant wall of hyper energy flares up in front of him, pushing back the Jedi)

Anna: The h*** was that?

(As the Contractor sings and riffs away, arcs of lightning shoot out from the surrounding light fixtures and at the feet of the Jedi in tune to the chords)

Jo: Whoa!

Squishy: Bob and weave!

Sara: Yikes!

(The Jedi scramble about to avoid the electricity firing at them, as well as the tremors brought on by the hot and heavy dancing of the kidnapped dancers. At about halfway through the song)

Cont:

 _You know I'm born to lose,_

 _And gambling's for fools._

 _But that's the way I like it Ba-BY'_

 _I DON'T WANT TO LIVE FOREVER!_ (Some more guitar licks)

 _And don't forget the Jo-ker!_

(His guitar starts glowing blue, right as several hundred long cannon arrays begin popping up around the arena)

Jo: What the h**l!?

(The cannons start firing huge Bullet Bills into the stratosphere in tune to the music)

Sylvia: What's going on?!

Will: It's the music! Those cannons are firing to it!

(Anna and Cope rush the stage, Anna firing her Force Lightning to disrupt the energy field while Cope deflects any lightning bolts coming her way. Contractor continues to sing and shred, gritting his teeth in complete mania. As the field weakens, Contractor starts finishing up the song, sweating up a storm making long notes that fires streams of Bullet Bills. He finishes by the time the energy field comes down, allowing Cope to throw his saber at the upper plug arms, severing them and making the pod hit the stage, shutting off the sound system)

Anna: What did you just do?!

Cont: Ahh! Tis the true genius of my plot! You see, the speakers, floodlights, and dancing girls were taken solely to set up the grand stage you see before you. However, there was one other item I had stolen in great quantity: cameras. I just had my whole thumpin' single recorded and sent to various planets to be played over and over again, getting the grand populace a-jumpin' with joy. Those Bullet Bills that just fired are set to seek out concentrated points of hypeness, namely all the major holochannel outlets that are playing that song. Entire cities will be wiped out, and though the results will not be quite as impressive as a planetary detonation, it will cause the same level of political dissent and social upheaval. With chaos and panic running amok, you will not only have to worry about revolting nerds, but also the whole galaxy nipping at your coattails!

Cope: (Slams fist into ground) D***it he's right! No matter how peaceful the galaxy is, senators are always looking for an excuse to get irate and complain!

Will: It's the way George Lucas made it, and we d**n him every day for it.

 **Public Notice:** We of the Steve Warz saga do not d**n any of George Lucas' designs on a daily basis. All of his ideas are supremely genius and above criticism, therefore he… okay no, I sincerely cannot say something like that. The man's second-guessed himself into oblivion with the prequels, and then he sold it off to be handled by Mr. Lens Flare. You've betrayed us, George. You've betrayed us and d***ed such a wonderfully simplistic fantasy you doddering withered old has-been— [Lawyer Death Squads are en route] Aw h***.

Jo: Now what do we do? We're on a fast track to S**tsville and I don't have my galoshes.

Squishy: We can't be beat just yet. There has to be a way.

Sylvia: Wait… Contractor said those Bills were locked on to points of extreme hype or something, right?

Sara: Yeah.

Sylvia: And we're on a huge stage with tons of loudspeakers and lights. Can't we do something to bring them back?

Squishy: Yeah… Yeah! Using this stage, we could reverse the hype polarity of the Bullet Bills. If it's heavy rock and hype sending them away, then playing some soothing soft rock should bring them back here!

Jo: Squishy, that sounds incredibly asinine and likely something you pulled straight out of your sandy butthole. It's gotta work!

Will: But won't we need to generate a mellow field so great it overshadows an entire galaxy's worth of hype?

Squishy: Yes. Which means we'll need to make this one h**l of a show.

(Using the Force, he pulls some wires from the severed plugs stuck in the stage, and he hooks these plugs to a microphone stand)

Cont: Hey! What're you doing?

Squishy: Getting us hooked to the speakers. We can't have an awesome show without the right acoustics.

Cont: No! Don't, you fool!

Squishy: We're gonna need to take positions. Will, drums. Jo, vocals. Girls, background sounds. Like tambourines and claps and such.

Anna: What, no violins?

Squishy: Nope, sorry. Not that kind of song.

Anna: Pff, fine.

Sara: Got it, Squishy.

Cope: What am I supposed to do?

Squishy: I don't know, Alex. Try to look British.

Cope: F**k that! (Whips out his electric keyboard)

Squishy: Nice. And I'll play the guitar as always.

?: Don't forget about me.

(Rick walks over holding out his guitar)

Sylvia: Richter? You're supposed to be gone from here, out of danger.

Rick: After all that b***ard made me do, I can't just stand aside. I'll help out in any way to bring him down. Please understand, Mom, Dad.

Sylvia:...Alright, Richter. Do as your father says. No "if"s "and"s or "but"s.

Rick: Understood.

Squishy: Okay, son: back me up and play as it goes.

Cont: What in _MY_ name are you biddies up to?

Will: We're gonna blow you away, is what!

Squishy: With a classic to end all classics!

Jo: (Into a mike) Galaxy: Are you ready to be saved? Then hit it, guys!

(Squishy starts playing some acoustic notes on his guitar with growing volume until)

Jo:

 _I looked out this morning, and the sun was gone._

 _Turned on some music; to start my daaay._

 _I lost myself, in a familiar song._

 _I closed my eyeees and I slipped Awaaaaaaaay!_

(A second neck bursts from Squishy's guitar as he plays out some intense electric riffs. The group gets into a steady beat of drums and claps)

Jo:

 _It's more than a feeeling!_

Guys:

 _More than a feeeeling!_

Jo:

 _When I hear that old song they used to play—_

Guys:

 _More than a feeeeling!_

Jo:

 _I begin drea-ming!_

Guys:

 _More than a feeeeling!_

Jo:

 _Til I see Marianne walk awaaaaaaaay! (Musical pause, then)_

 _I see my, Marianne walkin' awaaaaaaay._

(Squishy and Rick play out some notes. Meanwhile in space, the Bullet Bills take notice of the music and turn away from the planets they were headed for)

Jo:

 _So many people, have come and gone._

 _Their faces fade, as the years go byyy._

 _Yet I still recall, as I wander on._

 _As clear as the suuuun in the summer skyyyyyyy!_

(Squishy's riffs, then the beat, then)

Jo:

 _It's more than a feeeeeling!_

Guys:

 _More than a feeeeeling!_

Jo:

 _When I hear that old song they used to play—_

Guys:

 _More than a feeeeeling!_

Jo:

 _I begin drea-ming!_

Guys:

 _More than a feeeeeling!_

Jo:

 _Til I see Marianne walk awaaaaaaaay!_

(Pause)

 _I see my, Marianne walkin' awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!_

(Squishy goes into the awesome solo, right as Rick's guitar grows two more necks and he joins in, adding some bass to it. As he's doing this, the Century Sparrow hovers in above them)

Sally: (Through loudspeaker) What's up everybody!

Sylvia: What are you doing here?!

Stan: There's no way we're gonna miss something this righteous!

Sally: Yeah! We're gonna help out whether you want it or not!

(A mike sticks from the bottom of the ship and boomboxes around the ship start amplifying the sound)

Anna: Killer!

(The music has quieted to a gentle beat. In space, the Bills are converging outside of Korriban)

Jo:

 _When I'm tired, and thinking cold._

 _I hide in my music; forget the daaaay._

 _And dream of a girl, I used to know._

 _I closed my eyeeees and she slipped awaaaay!_

(The two guitarists play some notes, then)

 _She slipped A-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!_

(Screen cracks. Back to the steady beat)

Jo:

 _It's more than a feeeling!_

Guys:

 _More than a feeeeeling!_

Jo:

 _When I hear that old song they used to play—_

Guys:

 _More than a feeeeeling!_

Jo:

 _I begin drea-ming!_

Guys:

 _More than a feeeeling!_

Jo:

 _Til I see Marianne walk awaaaaay!_ (Pause, then)

 _I see my, Marianne walkin' awaaaaaaaay!_

(The whole group then goes into a steady beat of claps, drums and guitar. Soon it quiets down, and it's over. High above, the sky is filled with Bullet Bills speeding toward them)

Cont: Don't you idiots realize that you've just done? You may have turned around the Bills, but now they're gonna be zeroing directly AT THIS STAGE!

Squishy: Ohhhhhhhh… Whoops, hadn't thought of that detail.

(A Bill hits a part of the arena, making a huge blast. Then more start hitting the place at a growing rate)

Jo: It's raining boom around here!

Will: We've got to get outta here!

Cont: (Freaking out) Someone get me out of this stupid thing NOOW!

(The screen starts to fill with white light as the explosions become more rapid and bombastic)

Squishy: We've gotta go now, Rick! Rick!? RICK!

(Everything goes white)

* * *

(Flashback. Young Richter cowers before the hungry-looking Yoda nerd)

Rick: Aaaah! Dad! HEEEELP!

(There are slashing noises. Rick lowers his arm to see the nerd just standing there with a shocked, confused expression. He then falls to the ground in a great burst of blood. Behind the dead nerd stands a man wearing a brown cape and hood over white tunic and pants. He whips around the sword in his hand and slips it into a side sheathe. The swordsman turns around; the hood darkens all of the man's face except for his mouth)

Man: Such a nasty customer. You alright, little guy?

Rick: Y-yeah. Who are you?

Man: Oh, just a passing wanderer, fighting the good fight.

Rick: Okay… How—

Man: Did I find you? Well, if you must know, I've been checking out these nerds for some time, and they didn't strike me as very civilized. It's a good thing I decided to follow one of these weirdos around, otherwise you might've been caged up somewhere, or worse.

Rick: Why are you checking out the nerds? Why was that guy trying to get me?

Man: That's because, little Richter, all nerds, geeks and fan boys are inherent troublemakers.

Rick: How'd you know my name?

Man: That's of no importance for now, Rick. What is important is that the nerds are bad news and want to harm this galaxy in their own greasy ways.

Rick: How come? My dad says that the nerds are good now, that they really aren't bad.

Man: Ah, yes, your father. He is pretty wise, but even he isn't safe from nerd manipulation.

Rick: Manipulation?

Man: Yuh-huh. You see, the nerds are really good at appearing harmless and pathetic, so that everyone would immediately want to empathize and believe whatever sad tale they tell. Everyone but me, of course.

Rick: Why don't you believe it?

Man: Because I never forget. I can never forget the travesties those nerds wrought in the past, yet everyone else is willing to forget. The senators, governors, the public, the Jedi, and even your own family, Richter.

Rick: Really?

Man: You've seen for yourself what kind of monsters these "people" really are. They don't belong here, and will only cause grief the longer they stick around. Which is why I need your help.

Rick: My help?

(The man walks over, kneels and gently places his hands on Rick's shoulders)

Man: I want you to help this galaxy be rid of this disease. When you get older and stronger, I want you to do whatever it takes to make things right again. I won't be here when the time comes, so that's why I'm entrusting you with this task.

Rick: I… I don't know if I can.

Man: You have to, Richter. You must do it for everyone you care for. There will be times when your parents, and even your brother and sister will try to stop you. But it has to be done, because they are trapped under the nerds' devious spell, and only you can save them. Trust me.

(Yelling can be heard in the distance)

Voice: Richter! Rick! Where are you son?

Rick: That's my dad. He's looking for me.

Man: Of course he is. He is a most caring father, but far too gullible at times. Hm, you may end up having to knock some sense into him at some point. (Stands up and turns away) Remember what I have told you this day. It will be quite some time until the moment where you can prove your worth and save the galaxy.

Rick: Okay… I'll remember. I just hope I'll know what to do by then.

Man: Don't worry: It'll all be clear when it comes.

(Lights flash under the hood, outlining glasses. Everything goes white)

* * *

(Present. Richter slowly opens his eyes. He finds himself floating around in outer space. There are stars, planets, and nebulae, all in clear definition)

Rick: What the—?

?: So you're aware. It's about time.

(Some distance away, the Contractor is also floating around aimlessly)

Rick: You...

Cont: Yup, it's me. Been quite some time, just like I told you.

Rick: Where are we? What happened to us?

Cont: This here is what I call the Void, although there's far too much stuff here for it to be a proper one, but oh well. For your second question, I wound up getting blasted to dust. As for you… I can't really say at the moment. Hopefully nothing too severe.

Rick:...You're the reason I'm here. The reason for everything that's happened up to now!

Cont: Yes, yes, give credit where credit is due.

Rick: You planted those ideas in my head all those years ago; you convinced me to resent nerds.

Cont: And whose fault is that? Especially considering it came from the guy who tried to blast you and your family to space dust at one point. Although, you actually didn't see me do that per se. Hmm, and I suspect neither your parents nor uncle told you about it at any point afterward.

Rick: You wormed your way into my mind, took over my body… made me kill those people, for no other reason than to endanger the galaxy rather than saving it!

Cont: Indeed, that's been kinda my thing all these years. But I wasn't lying when I said those nerds had to be dealt with. I only wish I'd thought up of some way to gather _every_ one of the buggers in one place to do them in.

Rick: You're an absolute monster. You used me like a puppet, made me into a Sith, made me turn on Stan and Sal, my mom and dad! What's more, you made me come to resent everyone else in the galaxy, even myself, just to fill me with that extra bit of rage for your deranged plan.

Cont: Whoa whoa hold on there, buddy. Now you're giving me _too_ much credit.

Rick: Huh?

Cont: I'll own up to getting you to hate nerds, becoming a Sith and betraying your friends and family. But the whole general resentment deal… that's all on you.

Rick:...Wha?

Cont: Think about it: when you talked about never being accepted, how did you feel? A bit lighter in the chest? A smidge more clear-headed, relatively speaking?

Rick:...

Cont: It seems that despite all my meddling and manipulating, something of your actual self managed to slip out. A venting of your innermost frustrations overriding my control, if only briefly.

Rick:...That can't be true. That's… not it at all.

Cont: Meh, whatever you say. Just don't go hanging all your baggage squarely on my shoulders, kid. Although, some advice? Don't keep stuff like that bottled in. That's legit Sith mix right there.

Rick: It's… there's nothing like that there.

Cont: Sure Rick. I bet you want to believe that. But ask yourself this: what does your heart say?

(Everything goes up in white)

* * *

?: Look, he's coming to.

(Rick opens his eyes and moans. He stares straight up at a metal ceiling. Squishy pokes his head into view)

Squishy: Welcome back, son. You've been out for hours. We were starting to get real worried.

(Rick sits up. He looks around to find himself on a bunk in some room. In the room are all the Jedi, his siblings, Steezy, and even General Chris)

Rick: How'd I get here?

Will: When the whole place started going up, you got knocked out by a blast. You're lucky we all managed to get aboard the Sparrow and take off before that whole place became a crater.

Stan: Now aren't you all glad we came when we did?

Sally: Yeah! You owe us for saving your butt, bro! (Gives wink and a thumbs up)

Chris: Alas, we were unable to save any of the kidnapped dancing girls. Still, one of them did give me crabs, so it evens out I suppose.

Sylvia: We're now somewhere safe: far away from Korriban.

Jo: And good news: Just as we were leaving, we saw the Contractor get blasted by one of his Bills. He's toast, man!

Rick: Huh… Ain't that convenient…

Sara: We've been looking over you all this time. You moved around a bit in your sleep, but nothing else.

Anna: Since you're awake, we won't have to babysit you anymore. Right Alex?

Cope: She made me rub your feet…

Rick: Oooooooookay…

Steezy: Hey, Rick, since you're up and all, I thought I'd give you this now. (Gives Rick his guitar)

Squishy: We managed to bring it along while we were escaping. Your uncle's been keeping it safe while you were out.

Steezy: I got it cleaned and polished. I can give it different colors if you want to, you know, make it look less evil.

Rick: Yeah, thanks. I'll think about that. (Looks uncomfortable)

Sylvia: What's wrong, Richter?

Rick: …I had this dream. I was talking to the Contractor.

Sara: Really?

Sally: About what?

Rick: He admitted to being responsible for the things I did. Except, he told me there was an aspect of my behavior he had nothing to do with.

Sally: What was that?

Rick:…Resentment. Resentment toward everyone in the galaxy. He said that was solely mine.

(There's an uncomfortable pause, until)

Stan: Nah, that can't be.

Jo: Yeah. Either it was just a dream or he was trying to mess with you some more.

Rick: Maybe. But before I woke up, he asked me what my heart said.

Stan: He did?

Will: What did you find?

Rick: I've found that… he was right.

Cope: Say what?

Rick: It's true that I have anger in my heart. Anger and sorrow at being so different.

Chris: You kidding us?

Sylvia: That can't be it, Rick. He must have been trying to confuse you.

Rick: I'm not confused, Mom. I know exactly what's in my heart, and it's full of doubt… I always felt alone whenever I was with anybody but my own family. And even if I was with Stan and Sal, I always felt singled out and looked down on by others. At first I felt sad and confused at these feelings, but as I got older, I started to feel distaste for everyone different from me. Though what you and Dad taught us about tolerance and equality weakened it, that bit of hatred never fully left me. It was that kind of doubt that must have let the Contractor control me in the first place, although he never altered it once.

Anna: So everything you said back on the stage was straight from your heart?

Sylvia: Richter…

Rick: I know what it must seem like, but it's even worse when you're me. Even now, after all this, I don't think I can trust myself. I feel nothing now, but who knows if those feelings are still in my heart? I sure don't…

(Uncomfortable silence, then)

Squishy: Son… Nobody knows what's in your heart but you. If you don't know what's in it you're lost, but you can't look away because of one experience. Every Jedi must confront the doubts in their hearts at one point or another. When they do, they either conquer them or fall into mass insecurity. It's never easy, but if you believe in your inner goodness, then you will prevail eventually.

Jo: That's exactly right. Sure you lost this round of controlling your emotions, but the wisdom you've gained will be of ginormous help for the next big fight.

Chris: Plus, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Will: So get back on the horse and ride on.

Sally: You have us to watch your back, as always. Right, Stan?

Stan: Y-yeah. Always.

Sylvia: You've got the friends to help you, and the love of your family to strengthen you. Now do you have the inner strength to help yourself?

(Silence)

Rick: Wow… Thank you, all of you.

?: Ah! I see he's awake.

(The whale bot Duff McWhalan has stuck his head through the door)

Duff: Hey Rick; nice to see you up and about, more or less. General, we're approaching our destination.

Chris: Good. Maintain speed and prepare to surface.

Duff: Aye aye! (Leaves)

Jo: Welp, we best get ready. It's almost showtime.

(Everyone starts to leave)

Rick: What's going on?

Squishy: It's just like I told you before, Rick: It's time to prove your worth.

(Transition. We now see an island in the middle of a vast ocean nearing sunset. On one of its beaches there are nerds of all varieties crowded and getting antsy)

White Lando Guy: What's taking so long? Are you sure this is the right place?

Yu-Gi-Oh Guy: 6 o'clock on the dot, right here on this beach. The pamphlet said so.

Dwarf Guy: It's 6 right now and I don't see the free dice giveaway.

Pirate Guy: Where be me hentai? Yar!

Red Mage Guy: Something's definitely fishy, that's for sure.

Octorok Guy: It's probably just me.

Otacon Guy: Hey guys! There's something out on the water!

(They all look out to sea. A good distance from them there are bubbles rising up and getting closer. Then breaking the surface at a steady clip is a huge submarine in fabulous yellow. As it chugs along, "Yellow Submarine" plays from it. The nerds start groaning and covering their ears)

Dwarf Guy: Oh Gods, my uncultured ears can't handle such fine music!

Pirate Guy: Aye! Me hear-ties!

Otacon Guy: That's the worst pun I ever heard!

(The submarine reaches the beach and dry docks in the sand. Atop its watchtower thing a hatch opens and Duff pops out of it)

Duff: Nerds Ho!

(Jo comes out)

Jo: Seems that goldie of an oldie placated them a bit. Okay guys, come on out.

(The other Jedi start coming out)

W. Land Guy: Jedi!? What're you doing here?

Jo: We've come to have a word with you.

(At this time Rick has gotten out onto the sub's hull)

Grunt Guy: AH! Demon! He's come to kill us all! Well guess what: You'll never get to kill _me_!

(Pulls out a plasma grenade and throws it high in the air. He then runs a distance back and positions himself to get hit with the sticky. He runs ground giggling hysterically before exploding)

Kagome Girl: Retard…

Pirate Guy: What be the meaning of this here treachery, yar?

Will: This is no treachery. Think of it as an intervention.

Dwarf Guy: An intervention? For who?

Rick: For me.

W. Lando Guy: Yee! The killer speaks!

Anna: Stop with the gripes already!

Squishy: The Richter that killed your leaders was not really Richter. It was another devious plot of the Contractor.

Otacon Guy: Bull malarkey!

Stan: It's true! We heard him say it and everything! Or at least, mom and dad and our friends did.

Pirate Guy: What proof ye have?

Cope: You know….. we really don't have any.

Yu-Gi-Oh Guy: Then they are liars; protectors of the great usurper!

Dwarf: I say we give them a Dwarven burial, Eragon style!

Rick: If I could say something—

R. Mage Guy: Can it, cretin! We'll deal with you shortly!

Sally: Hey, that's my brother you're talking to!

R. Mage Guy: Whatcha gonna do, cry about it?

Jo: All of you just shut up! You nerds better calm down and give Richter a chance or I'm putting on "Pinball Wizard"! (There are shocked gasps, then they all begrudgingly go quiet) Go on, Rick.

Rick: Thanks, Jo. Now, everyone, I will admit I have done terrible things this past half day. There were things that have no doubt caused irreparable damage on your views towards me, the Jedi, and all the Republic. But I had no control over these actions. My body was a tool misused for the mad desires of a crazed entity. However, I was used due to my own uncertainty. I had doubt in my heart which the Contractor grabbed hold of and warped to his liking. So in a way, I share some of the blame for your suffering. But now, after seeing the darkness in my heart, and the weaknesses in my my soul, I wish to redeem myself; to free myself of the guilt which has plagued me since my reawakening. So please, all I ask is for a chance to prove my worth as a civil being, and that I'm trustworthy enough to bring protection, not harm, to all those who live in my galaxy. Can I have that chance?

(Silence)

Yu-Gi-Oh Guy: Your plea is touching and all, but we got bigger things to worry about. Your actions have left us leader-less. We're too lazy to go screening for them, and everyone's afraid of you Jedi chopping us up.

W. Lando Guy: So who exactly could lead us?

?: We will.

(Walking into the nerd crowd are the pilots of Geek Squadron: Ted, Bill, John, and the lovable coward Hugo)

Otacon Guy: Abandoners! Why do you sully our ranks?!

Ted: It's pretty obvious, four-eyes: since we've gained backbones from military service, we four are more than qualified to lead you.

Red Mage Guy: Preposterous! You left our ways long ago, now you expect us to accept you as our leaders?

Bill: Hey man, don't get all out of whack. From the looks of things, you guys are in need of organizers, and we're the ones to do it.

Hugo: I'm not sure, fellas. Being a leader isn't really one of my strong suits, or any of my suits for that matter.

John: Come on, Hugo. You can't go on being the series' chicken; take initiative for once.

Dwarf Guy: I still won't trust you. Nobody will.

Ted: Well tough tiki little geeks, but that's the breaks. It's take it or leave it, so don't go complaining about it.

John: Yeah, we're your only choices. Your only hopeful choices.

Bill: So whaddya say?

(Unnerved silence)

Sylvia: Can you give it a shot? Accept these guys and come to forgive my son?

(Still unconvinced silence)

Anna: (Sigh) We'll throw in some hentai if you do it.

Pirate Guy: Me hentai!

W. Lando Guy: It will be rocky, but where there's hentai, there's a way. So come on down and we can talk. Richter can come too.

Rick: That's good to hear.

(Leaps off sub and onto beach. He walks up to W. Lando Guy, and after slight hesitation they shake hands. The whole beach roars with cheers from everyone)

Chris: Now it's time for the overly extended credit sequence.

Squishy: And what could accompany it better than some J-rock? Hit it, Duff.

(Duff pushes a button and the sub starts playing "21st Century Boy" from Gitaroo-Man. The camera pulls back to show the beach alive with celebration. With the whole island in view, the screen starts to fill with black from the sides of the screen. Before it all goes dark, a jelly bean-headed dog pokes its head through and stops the music)

Puma: Wait wait wait wait wait a second! Hold the credits!

 _Huh? Puma!? What're you doing here?_

Puma: Protecting my copyrights, that's what!

 _What're barking about?_

Puma: You've been using my game way too much in your stories. Start coming up with something original!

 _What do you mean "original"? I haven't made a Gitaroo Man reference since the 5_ _th_ _trilogy!_

Puma: Yeah, but you used us a bunch of times before that! You've reached your limit for this series.

 _Oh, come on! I need something to finish this trilogy up! I'm tired; throw me a bone, dawg!_

Puma: Nope. Sorry, but that's how it is.

 _Oh, fine. I didn't feel like it but I guess I'm gonna have to make an actual handcrafted ending. Dang jelly bean-headed freak… Okay, here's some more paper, tissues, CDs, and nooooooooow there—_

(All is quiet. We see a large clearing surrounded by woods in the middle of the island. All the nerds are gathered there with the Jedi, the military heads, Duff and his robot command, and a huge stage. On the stage is Richter, Squishy, Will and Cope with their appropriate instruments. The other Jedi are watching them from the front row of the crowd. Piano begins to play, then)

Rick:

 _I've paid my duuues._

 _Time after tiiime._

 _I've done my sentence..._

 _But committed no crime._

 _And bad mistakes…_

 _I've made a feeeew._

 _I've had my share of (Guitar) sand kicked in my face,_

 _But I've come throoooooooough!_

Guys:

 _And we need to go on and on and on and on!_

Rick:

 _Weeeeeeee are the champions, my friiiiiends!_

 _And weeeeee'll keep on figh-ting, til the end!_

All:

 _Weee, arrre, the champions._

 _WEE, ARRE, THE CHAMPIONS!_

Rick:

 _Noooooo time for loooooosers, cuz_ —

All:

 _Weeeee, ARRE, THE CHAMPIONS!_

Rick:

 _Of the woooooooooooooooooooooorld!_

(A pause, then)

Rick:

 _I've taken my bows._

 _And my, curtain caaalls._

 _You've brought me fame and fortune and everything that_

 _Goes with it._

 _I thank you all…_

 _But it's been no bed of roses._

 _No pleasure cruuuuuise._

 _I consider it a challenge before the whole human race,_

 _And I ain't, gonna LOOOOOOOSE!_

Guys:

 _And we need to go on and on and on and on!_

Rick:

 _Weeeeee are the champions, my friiiiiend!_

 _And weeeee'll keep on figh-ting, til the end._

All:

 _We, are, the champions._

 _WEEE, ARRE, THE CHAMPIONS!_

Rick:

 _Noooooo time for loooooosers, cuz—_

All:

 _WEEEEE, ARRRE, THE CHAMPIONS!_

Squishy: _Of the wooo—_

Rick:

 _Weeeeeee are the champions, my friiiiiends!_

 _And weeeee'll keep on figh-ting, til the end._

All:

 _Weee, arre, the champions._

 _WEEE, ARRE, THE CHAMPIONS!_

Rick:

 _Noooooo time for looooooosers, cuz—_

All:

 _WEEE, ARRRE, THE CHAMPIONS!_

(It quiets down, then goes dark)

* * *

(Some time later. We see Sally walk out of the woods into an open space. Before her is Richter sitting atop a rock looking at the ocean sunset. All the while "The Lonely Shepherd" from Kill Bill is playing in the background)

Sally: There you are!

Rick: (Noticing her) Hey Sal. Looking for me?

Sally: Not really. I was just looking for someplace quiet. Those nerds can be pretty rowdy when there's Mountain Dew around.

Rick: Yeah, I bet. Wanna sit down?

Sally: Sure. (She sits on the sand next to the rock) It's a real nice sunset.

Rick: Yep. It really is.

Sally: Kinda like one of those inner reflection sunsets. The ones where you look back on things and get all appreciative for what you have. (Looks up to her brother) I'm glad we got you back, both alive and to your old self. I missed talking to that Rick: the one who's always eager to have an adventure, sneaking aboard a ship going into a war zone.

Rick: I'm nowhere as reckless nowadays.

Sally: Yeah: we got a little older, and we're just gonna keep on getting older. But that never keeps these conversations from being fun. Sibling bonding and all. One of these days I should get Stan in on these so it's not just between us. Don't want him to be a loner like you.

Rick: Certainly not, heheh… (Some silence) A lot has happened these past few days. The nerds, the Contractor, those three game villains, me singing—

Sally: That was an awesome show, by the way.

Rick: Thanks. But, after all that, there's still one thing that sorta bothers me.

Sally: What's that?

Rick: It's that dream I had: The one where I was talking to the Contractor. Whenever he spoke, I didn't detect any hint of malice or ill will in his words. He didn't sound like someone filled with contempt toward us.

Sally: Really?

Rick: It's weird, but I thought I heard some concern in his tone. As if he cared about what was brewing in me.

Sally: That does sound pretty weird. You were probably just imagining things. But if not, then why would he sound concerned after everything he did?

Rick: I don't know. But, it would explain why he sounded the same way back on Dagobah.

Sally: Dagobah?

Rick: Oh, darn, I never told any of you about that part of his plan. Once we get back, I'll explain it to everyone.

Sally: You better. Can't go withholding important backstory details just for yourself.

Rick: I guess not. Especially when it comes to understanding the Contractor, and why he wants to destroy us.

Sally: A real mystery for a real weirdo.

Rick: Hopefully one that will get answered someday.

Sally: (Nods) Hopefully...

(Camera turns up to show the orange sky and clouds)

 **THE END**


End file.
